Can’t We All Just Get Along??

In light of what happened to me last month & in case some of my readers don’t know what happened to me I will briefly refresh your memory.   Last month I had a latino woman come to my door in all of her rage & aggressiveness call me of all things a Nigger.   Yes , I couldn’t believe it either now I truly know where I stand.  When her & the odious neighbor where partying it up next door screaming, banging things around I banged on the wall with my open palm for them to calm down. 

Oh my God, that chick came running out of my next door neighbors apartment & immediately came :

  1. Screaming at the top of her lungs, she sure could scream I guess drugs & alcohol help in that area.
  2. Kicking my door, punching my door putting her ugly mug up in my peephole .
  3.  Called me a Nigger.
  4. I called her a White ….something or another I can’t remember
  5. Loco chick screams I’m not “white”.   Which was kind of stupid I don’t know.
  6. And this beast did this 2x on my door.
  7. When she went back inside the apartment she further commenced to pounding on the wall like some out of control maniac.   I wasn’t scared I was furious I did the same thing.   If you go there with me on the racial slurs …well short of coming out & physical fighting all bets are off.   Hell I screamed right back at her.   No one intimidates me.

Which got me thinking.   Why are some people so hateful to another group of people?   To me it just does not make any kind of friggin sense.    But I won’t waste my time thinking about this   for very long, because you know what? I will keep on going forward with my life.   I have rights that I’ve fought for!   If you don’t like me being here? TOO BAD!  I’m soooo tired of others projecting their insecurities & hate onto me.   I don’t deserve it.   I was born here in the states & I’m not ashamed of who I am.   My great great grand father was a U.S. senator for Wisconsin.    I have Native American ancestry which I’m proud of .   And of course I’m black.   I will not tolerate any more of what I had to endure last month.   I draw the line.   Of course the Police which I called were 100% useless .   Because unless they catch you doing something then THEY don’t do a damn thing!   The cops I called didn’t even bother to take a report for crying out loud!    Oh yeah, I plan on getting a gun permit & learning how to fire a weapon.   It will give me peace of mind.   One thing I would love to do to a evil person like that Brouha that came to my door is get one of those pump shot guns.   Empty it of ammo (of course) then ratchet that thing to scare the hell out of her.   No one messes with me anymore.    Next time I’ll be prepared.

Next time I won’t argue back but call the cops.   And to the bitch who came to my door, you better hope our paths never cross again.   

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Learning To Navigate The Peninsula Town.

While I am making goals of what I want in a permanent home which I hope will be a duplex ( not an apartment I HATE tenants) or rent a house I in the meantime need to learn to navigate around this small town & let me tell you it is remote.

You can stand on the corner & see nothing but road which circles around the water & houses which is nice but it makes it hard to get your baring’s.  I was finally able to find where to catch the bus on this sprawling campus with the misguided directions from one of the other residents ( real confusing).  It’s very nice here.   So far I’m not bored at all.   I need a few books to read.  There is a library here but nothing that interests me.    Everyone is into this Dean Kootnz.  I like Patricia Highsmith.   Right now I’m in my room, I’m not in the mood to socialize much how it is here where I am there are 3 tv rooms community for both men & women then one tv room just for the women.   I never like to go into the community room with the men.   Why?   Don’t trust them.   And I don’t feel safe.  Now the one that’s for the women it is usually taken over by one of the senior residents who loves Law & Order SVU.   The show is good but I can’t stomach it all the time.   Then after that goes off the senior resident I’ll call her Rhonda likes to watch MSNBC  The Rachel Maddow show  again I ain’t feeling the politics.   So I stay here.   I call my Mom, things aren’t going to well.   Her refrigerator is on the fritz!  Oh well could be worse.   I’m about a month smoke free & I have my nicotine gum.   Oh how I want some juice right now!   All that’s available are pop machines I’m avoiding pop cause I want to lose weight.    Tomorrow is when I will venture out to town to pay a bill…….I owe late fees on my rent which sucks but oh well at least I got help with the rent for the last month at my now former apartment which I’m so glad to be leaving from.   The landlord who is a really nice woman won’t even penalize me  for the remaining months left on my lease which I still had a few months to go.

If anyone has any suggestions on what mistakes I can do to avoid moving into another ghetto place, then I’m open to them.   This time around I really want to move into a quiet house?  No partiers, or a duplex.   Then hardest part about moving anywhere are the neighbors!   I don’t like to live next door to drug addicts , partiers, domestic violent spouses, or anyone that’s not peaceful.    I want to avoid that!   This incident that happened last month (see my blog Neighbor from hell) was the 2nd time a traumatic experience like it happened since 2008 at another apartment.    That concerns me.  I don’t even like it when people smoke pot.   I have zero tolerance for any of that nonsense.   It’s for that reason I need to live in a quiet area.   Please keep me in your prayers.    I’ve had housing problems for YEARS!  Lived in several places.   I only liked one which was a rented home in a suburb of Bellevue Wa.   Had to move because the owners of the property sold it & gave us tenants 4 weeks to move.  After that? it was one awful dump after another with the same caliber of people.   

It’s A Hard Knock Life.

I’m tired of how I’m treated. I’m tired of how difficult my life is.

One woman on a solo journey through this crazy ass life.

Know what I hate? When someone says to me “oh well just let it go”.   I feel that’s a gaslight phrase ( you look it up not in the mood to explain)  I had to endure abusive text messages from the owner of a senior center in Nevada the one my distant cousin goes to everyday while her daughter goes to work.   The cousin who has some brain issues wanted me to wish her Daughter Happy Birthday.  I do not know her Daughter & I don’t like her stuck up Daughter.   I basically said no.  The Cousin started in on the whining (she is in her 60’s) and I told her I had to go!

I then get 10 harassing text messages from the owner of the Adult Day Center.  No one seemed to care that my feelings were hurt.  See this is what I don’t like…

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It’s A Hard Knock Life.

Know what I hate? When someone says to me “oh well just let it go”.   I feel that’s a gaslight phrase ( you look it up not in the mood to explain)  I had to endure abusive text messages from the owner of a senior center in Nevada the one my distant cousin goes to everyday while her daughter goes to work.   The cousin who has some brain issues wanted me to wish her Daughter Happy Birthday.  I do not know her Daughter & I don’t like her stuck up Daughter.   I basically said no.  The Cousin started in on the whining (she is in her 60’s) and I told her I had to go!

I then get 10 harassing text messages from the owner of the Adult Day Center.  No one seemed to care that my feelings were hurt.  See this is what I don’t like, my life is hard I get abused then no one cares how I feel.  

I’m basically now so cold & indifferent that I don’t care anymore.   All I want out of life is:

  1. Dog
  2. Home with a yard
  3. Career
  4. Not living in King County I hate that County in more ways than one.

So since no one cares that’s fine.  Just don’t expect me to care about you.   Maybe here at this transitional home for veterans I’ll get what I need because I sure don’t get what I need anywhere else.   Nor do I get listened to.    I need to find a loving church to belong to.   I hate how much the world is changing.   

Where Am I Now?

Hello,

I’m now staying on the Peninsula at a temporary transitional place for people who have served in the military.   It’s far.   It used to be a hospital now converted.   I had to get out of the other place after what happened with the drugged up angry latino woman ( who screamed through my door “I’m not white” once she called me Nigger)  man did that chick have issues!   And there were other things that were red flags around the apartment bldg  that seemed weird.    Mostly the gang members who thought they owned the apartment property.

Where I’m at is beautiful at least I’m out of crime filled King County!  However that’s not to say that the shady people are not around town here.   I know when you wait at a bus stop transit center an ADULT who is in his 30’s or 40’s says out loud that he wants to go home & get high as fuck!   that’s about as low class as one could get.   Made real sure to stand as far as humanly possible from that group of people he was with.   A real slimy bunch.

I have a room to myself which is nice with my own shower.   I’m still learning my way around like where to get stuff i.e. where are the push brooms to use on my floor?   I would kill for a throw rug right now.    I still need to tie up loose ends back in Seattle which will mean  taking the ferry ride across the water.   You know for how much I hate this state?   When you take the Washington State ferry across the water you really see some beautiful things.   Of course the deck is FREEZING!  I had forgotten all about the ferries.   Of course I had no reason to take one since I knew no one who lived across the water.   I would love to get an apartment out here preferably rent a house right here.    I don’t know.

Basically I had to hustle to get into this place & I can’t really tell you what that entailed  due to this being on the internet.    But if you’ve ever heard of the term hustle it basically means work, work, work to get going.   

Oh!  I saw my very first deer.   Read my next blog.   I nearly went crazy with fear I’m a city girl!   What was I supposed to do.   Need to straighten up the room.  Check you later.

Hate Hostility

All of my life I haven’t remembered a time when there wasn’t hate, bigotry, hostility, jealousy, betrayal.  I have never known a happy family.  Ever.

Men usually are not real nice.   At least not the ones in my Family.  My Father was an absentee one & he was a wimp letting his 2nd Wife run things & abuse me.  He rarely paid any attention.   Other males?  Cousins, uncles, all pretty much treated me with no more respect than a goal post.   Invisible.

I’ll give you an example:   Sports are really big in this country.  However in my family there was a sexist view of women in that women weren’t supposed to be into sports.    When I was young it would be the male cousin who would get invited to the Football games & not me.    Females it seemed were scorned.    And yes that still hurts today.   What can I say my family seemed like they came from the freakin dark ages.    It’s gone a long way to screw me up.   But I still will find my way.   I hate sports,   I’m a loner pretty much.   And I have to figure every single thing out by myself.    I may be getting some light at the end of the tunnel.   Please stayed tuned I like to let you know how I’m doing.   Cause lord knows no one else seems to care.

I Got Two Nasty Text Messages

From the owner of the senior center where my distant cousin who is elderly attends during the day.   Seems like she did not like how I spoke to my cousin.   I was accused of being rude, I don’t feel that I was.    I mean I was exasperated with my cousin on this Happy Birthday mess involving her Daughter whom I don’t know, am not close with etc.        All I did after I said that I don’t know her Daughter,  and after listening to the child like whining of my distant cousin I simply had enough my patience was running thin.   I simply told her that I had to go.   I am going through a lot of stress I’m moving to the Peninsula here in Washington were the Veterans temporary home is located.   At the same time I’ve got to clear out of my old apartment & I have to keep it on the down low too.   Government funding.

I don’t mind wishing someone a happy birthday……..if I know them & have a connection of some kind.   I swear this family which is of no blood relation seems to act like they’re the ROYAL FAMILY!   I feel as though I need to curtsy.     I eventually had to tell the harassing , stalking text message woman to F off & and leave me alone!   I want God to forgive me on that one.  But I was stressed & mad.

Dysfunctional Relatives!

I live a hard knock life.  What does that mean you may ask?   It means I don’t get calls of Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, I don’t get gifts from anyone unless I buy them myself.   I have got something but it was usually something horrible with zero thought put into  the gift i.e. a cheap trinket or something like that.     But that’s okay.    A lot of pain.    Now with that said when it comes to calling up someone to wish them Happy Birthday it is for me something sincere.    If I don’t know you, there is nothing between us with not so much as bonding over a cookie I’m not likely to oblige.    Case in point I have a distant cousin I was reunited with a few years back when my Aunt was alive.   She isn’t a blood relative.   We kept in touch over the last

few years.   However her Daughter was something totally different.  She is distant, cold not the warmest person.   At my Aunt’s wake in 2016  this same Daughter chose not to come sit with me to even hold a brief conversation.   I was among a throng of people gathered at my late Aunts home & I was all by myself grieving downstairs in total agony in my late Aunts rec room huddled in the fetal position.  I didn’t cry but I was real depressed!

The Daughter as I remembered it chose to simply hang out with her own crowd in the kitchen drinking wine laughing which is fine.   I was never close nor had we bonded.    After my Aunt passed away the two step cousins stayed in the home for a few months my guess is throwing parties.    I was never included in the last months of spending the last moments in my Aunts fabulous home before it went into foreclosure.   It hurt ALOT, but I said fine, however it only added in making me very cold & distant.     So when someone is asking me to wish someone Happy Birthday & I don’t know the person,  I am not comfortable with doing this not one bit.    We’re not blood relatives, but more importantly this person doesn’t like me, so why call her?   When I was asked to wish this woman Happy Birthday I went into a panic.   I can only take care of myself.   I’m tired & I no longer want to people please.   As an adult survivor of childhood mental & physical abuse co-dependency is no longer my thing.    And at a certain age Happy Birthday is so blasé.  Everyone with all that has happened to me through the years I am just not capable of very much.   I’ve been hurt , burned, used, that basically there is nothing left.   And when someone doesn’t like me & I’m usually never wrong, I just don’t like to waste my time.   So I told the relative that I wasn’t comfortable with wishing Happy Birthday, I also said I don’t know _____________.     The relative who suffered a stroke of some kind, didn’t understand.   I think her mindset is that of a child  I don’t know.   With my own personal crisis which I have going on i.e. I’m in the process of moving, getting into temporary housing & more then don’t forget the previous month 12 days before Christmas I get an aggressive gang banger chick SCREAMING racial slurs, vulgarities + punching + kicking my door.    I’m not real emotionally healthy right now.    All I want is to get a career & some much needed counseling.    No one pays me any attention.

Having a really hard time with all of the hate!

I have a pretty thick skin, however even I have a limit.   I have a very hard time with the racism particularly aimed at African Americans.  I never hear about that anywhere.   I grew up during a time in California were I never dealt with that B.S.

Here in the B.S. Pacific Northwest I will occasionally see these signs that say the following “This is a hate free zone”   what a bunch of B.S.!   In the last 7 years I’ve heard the word nigger at least 12 times.    No one does anything either.  No one is up in arms or even cares.    Hey, mad at someone of black heritage threaten them & add in a couple of racial slurs.    Police don’t care ( useless either they use deadly force OR when blacks are threaten, attacked by others they do NOTHING)

Its times like these I must reevaluate everything about life.  If I had the means I would definitely live outside the country.    This country stinks!    I’m treated like dogs****.      But at least I can start by moving out of that awful trailer park (It’s not a trailer park but sure feels like it) of an apartment building.  This can’t keep up much longer, I can’t take it.   The quality of people have deteriorated to such a low level.   I guess I’ll be alright, but I’m wounded so psychologically that you can’t even imagine.   The pain cuts very deep.

Live From Auburn Wa.

I was trying for some humor here with the title.   You know like the opening of Saturday Night Live?   Except I’m in BORING Auburn Wa.   So not exciting…BUT I’m checked in at the La Quinta Inn for a quiet New Years Eve away from my crazy unstable neighbor that I’ve been having problems with since this past summer.

Picture going to the worst part of town with the craziest people screaming & acting all kinds of unstable & you have  my next door neighbor.   I think it may be drugs b/c of the side effects & all.   People do drugs primarily to escape pain, and illegal drugs are far easier to get then prescribed drugs, that’s not my quote that is from Lost Angels a documentary about the skid row area in downtown Los Angeles.

My only New Years Eve resolution is to live in peace.   That & find a job.   I also don’t want to run into anymore gang members they’re a scary bunch.   Just this evening on my way to getting dinner at a restaurant nearby I saw a graffiti memorial to someone named Smiley spray painted under the freeway overpass signed with the letter & number X3  scary.   It was hard to miss.     My journey is proving to be so incredibly difficult.   No one really has any time for me which in some ways I don’t mind however it sure doesn’t feel good either.    Even my own Mom cuts conversations short & sometimes I’m not all that close with her.    

I would like to have some friends but I’m selective & it’s so hard to trust anyone.   I don’t know if say someone might be into drugs or worse some sort of criminal activity.   One slang I learned off of YouTube was this one:  The year of the L’s.

Have you heard of that phrase?  I learned off of a YouTube show Know The Ledge a show I sometimes watch.   L’s means losers.   I sure have seen a lot of those this year.    All I want to do is live in peace everyone.   No more scary drug addicts, or violent alcoholics & I don’t mean someone who has a few drinks but a full blown alcoholic who turns into a monster I’ve had neighbor that I’ve lived next door to who’ve been just like that.    Hey all I want to do is live in peace I don’t need all of that.   If I may give you some advice?   Don’t turn to drugs, alcohol for escape your problem will still be there anyway.   But they don’t help.  Better to work that medical system & try to get on prescribed drugs then exercise.   If you smoke a cigarette that’s alright it’s bad for you sure but better than the drugs.   I don’t drink.   My system can’t handle it , and I no longer like the taste.     

I sure am grateful for some peace & quiet right now in this hotel room.   You see I shouldn’t have to put up with someone unstable.   I grew up with nothing but unstable people, also lewd as a young child I heard & was exposed to such horrible things that still affect me to this day.   And let me say that living all alone day in , day out for days weeks months years IS NOT EASY!  I don’t have family to turn to nor do I get very many phone calls.   Most times my cell phone doesn’t ring at all.  That is unbearable.   So when I’m able to tolerate living alone for such a long period of time the last thing I need is someone screaming at the top of her lungs, along with hearing sounds of what seems like a fight or wrestle mania going on next door.   I grew up with those sounds, Mother getting beat, screams, crying, moaning.   I have to tell you those sounds?  haunt you years after the trauma is over.   

All I want is to live in peace.