Another Therapist.

I went to yet another therapist today, this one out in Bremerton.   She seemed nice.  I’m at a really low point in my life.   Hard as I try I can’t get ANYWHERE I’m stuck and it sucks.   I told the therapist about what I went through & you know what?  I really didn’t like how she tells me that its in the past.   I wanted to strangle her.

What I went through was absolute torture as a kid.   Now I’m so confused & a mess I don’t know who I am.   I do know that I don’t like anyone I can’t trust anyone because I just have zero experience of anyone being nice to me.   I’ve been betrayed.  Someone I once liked a lot was gone because someone else told lies & I lost a good opportunity to have a positive relationship.     I’m so sick of life.

For me life is a daily grind!   And I’m exhausted.   When I tried to be nice all I run into are total whining types who are toxic.   I don’t think that I ever met hardly any healthy friends except in high school.    I sort of wished I had married but that opportunity never came up either.   I just never had many milestones in my life.   I never had any help in developing into a woman who would make good decisions because no one was ever there!    Like for example as a teen my Mother would come home from work, fix a bowl of cereal then go straight up to her room & SHUT      THE     DOOR!    No words no nothing.    I was left all alone with no one to talk to.   And that’s just one example of many.    I have a birthday coming up but I am not looking forward to it.   In fact I hope that I don’t wake up.   I’m so tired of living in this world.    

If something doesn’t happen soon some kind of miracle or change I just don’t know what I’ll do.     The bitch therapist asks me If I love myself.   Well how in the fuck can I do that if I was NEVER SHOWN WHAT THAT MEANS!   I didn’t grow up in a house that even showed me love or explained to me what that word even means!!

I was screamed at, ignored, treated like dirt, locked in my room & I couldn’t come out.   I was treated like an inmate in jail.   And it was over & over & over.   For years kind of like being in….no it was like being in a POW camp.   When people say to get over it, that is the most insensitive & ignorant thing a person could say.   I don’t even know if I can heal  and the fact that I’m alone have no friends or anyone to help me through this makes it much worse.    I know that I have an elderly Mother but I only see her on a limited basis.   Remember I don’t live with her.   I just don’t like my life.   My life just seems stuck!    I’ve tried everything fails.   Visited over 12 churches & that doesn’t work.   Christians hate single women.   And they are judgemental.   Not one has reached out to me.       That’s it.