My life for me was always one big question mark. What I mean by this is growing up I grew up around nothing but angry adults, my Mother, my Aunt it seems like I couldn’t ask a question without incurring someone’s wrath or sarcasm.
One example, I remember when I was having a conversation with my late Step Aunt ( now deceased) I don’t remember what it was about, but I did confide in her how no one helps me to find my way. Now I was way younger in my early 20’s. The Step Aunts cold & callous reply to me was: “No one helped me”. Her tone was pretty icy. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I sure didn’t expect such callousness. In my culture it is one of the most dysfunctional of cultures which is what I don’t like about it. Always there is anger, resentment, lots of jealousy especially if you have a nice personality like I did, or it could be severe control issues what I mean about control issues is this: It seems to me that people of my culture really either can’t or won’t help you I believe the latter not the former of help which in my culture the people would rather see you fail than help you to succeed which is so sad! There seems to be certain level of meaness seems to always simmers just beneath the surface which is very scary I will tell you a brief story of the Whitehead twins of Conneyers Georgia.
If you haven’t heard of the Whitehead twins then do your research. One morning I think it was the morning of 2009 two teen twin girls over slept for school and were very late. Now usually all this would have called for would be for the Mother to call the twins school & they would have probably received detention. The Mother went bat shit over reacting she then flew into a rage. The teens & their Mother had issues most of which were anger, control, hypocrisy (twins felt their Mom wasn’t the best of role models) & the teens should have been left in the custody of their Great Grand Mother who provided a more stable environment. To make a long story short the Mom’s rage escalated causing what I can only describe was a snow ball effect of rage & other toxic emotions from all 3 of the combatants. There just wasn’t a voice of reason between the 3 of them. The Mother assaulted the teens with a heavy pot one of the twins then grabbed a kitchen knife in the end the Mother is dead & you have two teen girls ( now adults) serving life. It could have all been avoided. Anger + Control issues + resentment & Jealousy = A murder . And as usual for the Black family the legal system always fails so miserably were was the much needed mental health counseling, the social workers who should have done much needed follow up to see how the girls were doing, yeah it’s safe to say in this case black lives sure didn’t matter very much.
I don’t make this up when I say that growing up is extremely, extremely challenging were it’s probably a 3 & 5 chance a woman will end up incarcerated, on drugs, homeless ( which I’ve experienced) or die a premature death. And what is worse every single day when I wake up its to a World that doesn’t care. When I was in high school I must have been 17, I was on the phone one evening with my best friend in my senior year of high school at the time I’ll call her Jenny.
Jenny had asked me what my plans were after high school. I simply said that I didn’t know. Jenny screamed at me. Jenny shamed me for not making any plans. I was crying feeling so miserable. Hey, I didn’t know any better because you know what? I had no one to show me anything! I lived with an unhappy single Mother who basically just ignored me when she came home from work. My Mom didn’t ask how school was, she didn’t even insure that I had something to eat! I usually had to go to Wendy’s, Mcdonalds or sometimes my best friends Mother let me eat over at their house her Mother was such a great cook better than my Mom’s who the only thing Mom would make was this globby grey bean & ham hock which looked so nasty I would immediately slam the lid to the pot down. My Mother KNEW how to cook because when we lived in California (when I was a toddler) she was taught by her former Sister in law prior to her marriage to her former Husband. Mom’s meals were great! However Mom just kind of gave up and didn’t care her grey GOOP of beans said it all. At that time I just didn’t develop an interest in learning to cook no one around to show me that either. What a life I had living with Mother. I at that time had no one to talk to at 17 years old. 17 is a real tough age when you have a Mother who ignores you, or when she doesn’t ignore you is screaming at you or throwing fits of 100% rage like the Tasmania Devil for some minor infraction and let me tell you it is really unnerving my Mom really did a psychological number on me the many times she would SCREAM at me like I was nothing. I guess that you had to have been there . I needed someone there for me!
I guess that’s why I joined the military and thank God for that Army recruiter who was on the high school campus ( I think that now having a recruiter on school campus is forbidden). I joined at that time because no one reached out to me!! Everyone I was a very scared kid who didn’t know how to make any grown up decisions & I felt so ALL ALONE !And if it weren’t for my spur of the moment decision I might have ended up in prison like the Whitehead twins because my own Mother was a pretty volatile woman.
This blog is pretty much what I would consider a public service to parents. Do whats necessary to help your kids & if possible don’t wait until they reach the teen years to do that either. Why? Because the teen years are the hardest take it from me! I may not have had kids but I was a teen & it was the most painful,lonely & depressing time in my life. Even more so with my own Mother who ignored me.
Here are some of the following suggestions which may help:
1. Find a positive mentor either Big Brother or Big Sister
2. If your kids are troubled get them some mental health counseling and you may have to consider other options do the research parents.
3. This is only a suggestion, if you can’t really teach them in the way a parent can you might need to consider a boarding school. There are some great military ones that provide the kids with the much needed tools that they will need to be successful adults this is so important can’t stress this enough. There are coed schools as well as schools for males. Don’t leave your kids future to chance. Not a good idea. This World out here is so unforgiving.
4. If you are a single parent? You’ll need to work a little harder is all. And it might not be a bad idea to put your kid into a boarding school. And hey there are scholarships available at most of these schools, so swallow your pride & do it for your kid because it will pay off! Remember Mom, Dad, Grandma, or If your a Foster parent this is an investment for your kid . I live out in the ugly world & it ain’t pretty.
5. Get the kid involved in sports
6. Make the kids your top priority, and tell them that.
Now these are suggestions, If you don’t want your kid drifting through life, going from one dead end job or another, on public assistance or federal assistance and there are other negative pitfall ( trust me there are many) most of which I myself are going through you’ll take time to take what I write pretty seriously. My Mother sure didn’t and I’m having to figure out what to do as a woman who lives with a mental illness, no support, all alone 24/7. If not be prepared for some grief because let me tell you life as an adult is not easy & is ultimate HELL!
The above suggestions really help everyone! I had a Cousin Hal ( pseudonym) who was given lots of attention from his Aunt. She saw to it he was involved with football, she had one of her male employee’s take him to local football games among other things. The Aunt made sure that Hal whose own father was into drugs or something had healthy outlets. I just wished I had the same thing my own upbringing being very negative filled with angry adults who seemed like they hated me.
Anyway Hal later moved with his sister to rejoin his Father in the West Coast. Hal is now a respected journalist with a big paper with a little boy ( or girl unsure that part of the family keeps everything secret) and he is married. I don’t keep in touch because the family doesn’t want to keep in touch with me. You have families like that ( and no I didn’t do anything wrong they just hate me). So some of what I’ve mentioned does work. In my own way I’m trying to provide support to someone seeking it. Because no one was there for me, and there still isn’t anyone there. This is my motivation people.
Above all remember this out here in the World it is PREDATORY! Sexual assault exists for both men & women boys & girls. It pretty much exists everywhere even in college social groups. Build up your kids to be strong & become leaders not followers.