Please Don’t Match Make!

Through the years I’ve had casual acquaintances try to fix me up with people.   Everyone out there in cyberland, don’t do it!   Match making almost never works.

I know that some people mean well, but trust me it just doesn’t work.   Oh, and before I tell you another story whatever you do do NOT set someone up on a blind date!  Those can be disastrous I’ve heard somewhere that there are those 1 in 100 chances of blind dates working out but in my case  no not really!

Okay, let me tell you a story.  Actually I might have blogged about this before.  But since I have something like over 600+ blogs on here I’ll blog about this again.

Back in 2008 there was this couple who befriended me.  I thought that they were nice however it turns out that they had an under lying motive, to fix me up with their single friend!   I don’t like for people to fix me up!   Now I’m poor but I don’t like the charity case when it comes to fixing me up AND I like for someone to talk to me first before you decide to even consider pimping me out!

I hung out with this couple, they invited me over to their house for barbeques, we’d laugh, have fun.  I didn’t think anything of it.  There really wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.  This was in my 12 step meeting days.  However, when we went to meetings their friend always would just happen to show up.  Then I would get introduced to their friend which honestly I was there for the meetings not to get introduced to anyone.   I’m not into meet & greet I hate them in fact they’re not my thing.   I’m pretty laid back.

I guess that the person was too shy to approach me which I’m glad never happened.  I don’t know people have way too many expectations when it comes to meeting anyone.   Here is my suggestion : Let things happen naturally, don’t expect much.   Not much at all.   Don’t pay a whole lot of attention if you like someone really focus on yourself.   There aren’t many that I will  even pay attention to at all these days because I just don’t have the time.  I have a lot of things personal things going on anyway.    Adults some act like Middle school pre-teens when it comes to having a crush which really gets on my nerves.

As I’ve said I like things to run in its natural course.  If you don’t understand what that means research or buy yourself some self help books to read about relationships.   But what I don’t recommend are those 12 step meetings those rooms are worse than the bar scene and sometimes a whole lot more dangerous.   Women have gotten killed.    Your not safe there.   When people stop drinking then drugging the next thing is they want to do is to get laid.  I’ve felt the sexual harassment in the 12 step rooms which is why I no longer attend.    I will continue this at a later time.

I’m getting tired.     Alright I’m back.   In conclusion the person in question got real desparate at the end of one afternoon meeting.   There was a fight between two women inside the meeting hall.   I panicked and couldn’t get out of there fast enough.   Well guess who was hot on my heels but this thirsty person ( slang for desparate type of person who is too anxious to meet someone) flys out of the meeting room yelling  loud enough for the whole the county to hear “I want to talk to you”!  really loud.     Well did it ever occur to the person in question I did not want to talk,   I wanted to leave.  

People no one wants a desparate person.  No one.   I’ve been alone for a long time

I don’t act desparate.     There is a saying of course it’s not one I coined.   And that saying is:  “If it was mean’t to be, then it was mean’t to be.  And trust me that hot mess coming after me was not mean’t to be.      This goes out to a reply I got yesterday.   I write what I’ve experienced.    Period.   If you want to write about your good experiances with AA go right ahead & do so on your own blog.  

But for me those 12 rooms house some people of a questionable nature.   I’ll give you a  example of a meeting I went to.  It was on a Friday night a woman who had 7 years of sobriety spoke and she said something  interesting that I never forgot.

And what she said was: “you can be straight, gay, lesbian your not safe in these rooms”.    I know what I’m talking about.    And not just that there is another blog site on WordPress StopAA  13th stepping I believe it’s called were there are a lot more horror stories of women getting raped!   Thankfully that has never happened to me because I know to steer clear of toxic people.    However what if the person is persistent?    And like what happened to me I’m walking out towards my Mother’s car (she was picking me up after a meeting) when this person screams my name CAN I TALK TO YOU and comes running towards me acting desparate.   Hey I never went back to that crazy meeting or any other meeting.   Oh & don’t get me started on Bill W.   

AA won’t improve until the main headquarters starts making some by laws then instilling them in each & every meeting.    Because there are predators, needy, clingy types not to mention the scores of BPD disordered types.   This has been addressed & brought to the main headquarters attention.  However they choose to sit back & do nothing.

I Hated Public School

Don’t know if you relate but I hated school when I was young.   I was never really popular but there is one traumatic memory that came up while I was staying up late.   I don’t sleep much about 4 hours every night.   I’m severely depressed a lot due to the usual, a Mother who is unstable and I live isolated.

I remember when I was in the 9th grade I had some friends who lived on the same block.   I thought that they were great.  However one day they stopped talking to me altogether and didn’t seem to care that it hurt my feelings.   That hurt worst of all.   Girls seem to be like that.   And I couldn’t talk to my Mother because she was unstable as far back as I can remember I didn’t trust my Mother & I was too uncomfortable to open up about this painful event.  Plus my Mother really didn’t seem to take an interest in anything I did.   

It was very traumatic for me I can tell you that.  My trust was destroyed.  I had to run into those cretins at school everyday and they acted as though nothing happened now as friends we hung out laughed, had fun.   Once when they came into the library I was at the library checkout desk so when you came into the library I came into the full view.  Those cretins saw me yelled really loud “oh my God” laughed hysterically, then turned around and left.  I really don’t know what that was about but those assholes really hurt my feelings.   Cretins.   Guess they weren’t raised in how to treat others or the Golden Rule.    I don’t care if it was middle school because I’ve met some really nice kids in middle school and they were great even when I acted goofy around them ( I miss those days)  I felt accepted & liked.

As far as I’m concerned those two sisters were the most ignorant I had ever met.  The teen years are horrible when your not popular and I certainly wasn’t.   Every middle school girl should be paired up with a mentor.   Really important.  Never spoke to them again.   I think that they still live in the same house.


Now it’s my turn to talk about the women.  They can be SO MEAN! Which is why I don’t have any friends in particular women.   Let me give a recent example: Today while I’m waiting for my cab to pick my up from grocery shopping.

As I was waiting (not a favorite thing to do) a young Mother carrying a baby was walking out of the store.  But here is what I noticed, she cut her eyes sideways looking at me, then she laughed.  Guess she was crazy, however I felt that was somewhat mean.  This is what I usually have a problem.  Women always seem to want to bring other women down a notch to make themselves feel better.    How do I know this?  Well I actually knew a woman who was or still is I don’t know since I don’t talk to her, she actually said in a 12 step meeting that this is what she does so that she can feel better about herself.  And she was ALWAYS, ALWAYS mean to me over the years and yes it hurt like hell!  Do I forgive her?  I don’t know my trust is in the toilet as far as people goes.   I believe the worse in everyone.   It isn’t good.

Hey,  I’m not Mother Theresa.   I’m wounded.  But women they don’t really get along very well with one another NOT AT ALL!   And!  that includes Mothers they don’t seem to like nor get along with the Daughters very well.   Son’s are a different matter Mother’s love Son’s.   Daughters are always seen as a problem or harder to raise than Son’s.   Its true.   

And today watching this kid toting her baby around something else occurred to me.  Perhaps with carrying this baby THAT BABY MADE HER FEEL GOOD about herself.  Some (not all) Females tend to have babies just for that reason.   The ones that lack self esteem that is.   So not a good idea that’s my opinion.   I never had children.   And how could I?  Beaten on a daily basis, raised in complete chaotic environment between two sets of parents that both remarried has still messed up my mind to this day.  I often wonder why I’m not in jail, a heroin addict, or dead.    

But for me it confirms that people just aren’t real nice.  And I don’t expect them to be.   Back to the survival mode of retreating into myself.

Going Postal!

So I’m at the Post Office today to mail an important document to get on van transportation,  these days I don’t trust to mail anything important to certain agencies due to well…..a lack of trust.

While I was waiting, and trust me YOU WILL WAIT at the post office since that place has had many cut backs to staff you all know this already, it basically sucks to go but I needed to mail this out so what are you going to do.    

Two women where ahead of me then went to one of two post office women ( woo-hoo 2 women!?)   that were behind the counter.   The two women who were customers were purchasing stamps in bulk.   The woman the postal employee ran down the price of stamps & asked the 2 women how many they wanted to purchase.   However one of the two women customers was getting real irate saying “Calm down, Just a minute I’m thinking”!  in a tone that was really rude.   I was watching this thinking to myself that all the woman needed to have done was just ASK the employee to repeat the question instead of just barking at the employee.  It had occurred to me that the postal employee was very good at figures and was probably going too fast for the slow thinking women.  That’s okay the customers needn’t have gotten offended.

Well it only got worse from there the woman who was in the bad mood started raising her voice escalating the whole thing (over a bunch of stamps? really?) she was yelling then as she was leaving she called the postal employee a bitch!  

Myself & others waiting in line all at once chimed in.  I said something like “Hey, that’s not necessary”?  I said Hey something.   I didn’t like her tone. 

Here is my suggestion.   The post office in 2018 sucks!  Like going down to the DMV.   Make sure that your up to the task mentally trust me I know what I’m talking about for I had to really do a mental inventory hours before leaving my apartment! and this was in addition to getting all my paperwork together to mail out .    

You want to know something funny?  Someone in the post office line had said that the angry woman was getting married & that she was getting the stamps so that she could mail out wedding invitations.  If I was that Groom or whoever she was going to marry I would RUN!  This is just not a good sign.   I mean if something like a bunch of stamps set you off then what else might set you off?   Someone could use an anger management class.     This is why I don’t like most people very much.

I Just Don’t Know How LIVE ON MY OWN Out Here!

Since getting out of the military I just haven’t fared well at all.   I’ve been through a lot of jobs most of those didn’t work out.   I want to attend college classes, I still do but at the time while working I had no clue how to hold down a job & go to class.

I had no one to talk to about this particular issue.   Now I’ve been unemployed and for a long time.   I still have no community, no support and I’m trying to or to get in contact for some job training at a local non profit that most of you are familiar with, when I tried to contact the phone number or emails I get a wrong number, when I try to email I get that “Mailer Delivery error message”.

Don’t have any family to turn to, all I have left is prayer and I have to tell you that my faith is not real good at this point because I’m scared I don’t know what to do.   I get treated poorly, in fact I have the worst case of PTSD imanginable due to dealing with in the past two years the following:

My elderly Mother who did a brief separation from her 3rd Husband and came to live with me, she went first to a hotel then when that was too expensive stayed with me in the tiny studio apartment at the time.   She went to the courthouse to file paperwork only to return to the Husband.

While in between apartments I was staying with a friend.  The friend was throwing a bachelorette party for her cousin.   The party had really been thrashed & destroyed due to the friends grown daughter drinking way too much.   And by too much I mean that the daughter got so mean & angry she threw furniture, busted up some windows & worst.   I & some others had to hold the door in place so that she wouldn’t come out of her bedroom because she wanted to beat everyone up. My friends younger sister had been smoking a cigarette outside when  there was a neighbor walking across the street towards my friends house  WITH his own personal  LOADED GUN!  Luckily the sister smoking a cigarette intercepted him or I could have gotten shot think about it a white man with a gun comes into a house with women from India & the only black woman (me)  I don’t need to complete that equation.  I blogged about this but the blog is somewhere in the WP archives.  

Then last year 2017 there was the angry female gangbanger(?) at least I think she was one, possible thug anyway.   She screamed, yelled then kicked & pounded on my door threatening ,screaming racial slurs, a lot of them ( she wasn’t even white ain’t that a kick in the pants!) raising all holy hell.   Isn’t it funny how a group of people can look down another group of people & they aren’t even European!

But all this still doesn’t explain why I haven’t made much of my life it’s been a long, long time.    I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.  I never thought that I would get to a place like where I am now.   Alone, no job, no friends or sense of community.   If something doesn’t happen soon it just doesn’t look good for me.   And I worked my butt off in previous years since getting out of the military too.   I’ve been to some non profit agencies that help with getting a person employed only to face discrimination by men wearing crisp white shirts + ties and of the same ethnicity ( no surprise there) I mean no matter how hard you may try its impossible to fight discrimination that’s aimed at you and if you have no proof then your pretty much S.O.L .     I guess that it can’t hurt to pray but I have to wonder to myself where is God at a time like this?

Parents Make Sure You Communicate With Your Kids About What They Do In School.

What’s up everyone!  I’m not doing all that great, however I got the writing bug and I just had another memory from long ago in my memory bank that just came up to the surface as I was trying to play a computer game.    SCHOOL.   In particular the public school years.

When I was say 9 years old so about the 4th grade I was attending a very LOUSY  public school in good ole Los Angeles California.   It was in Los Angeles County and that’s the extent of the description.   The school which was & I think still is 98% black had the worse rate of how the teachers taught the kids.   Here is what I’m talking about , I’ll give you an example.

It was someone’s bright idea to pair up kids in the classroom I was in with other kids who were struggling to read.   Which isn’t a bad idea except for just one problem.   It’s not the kids job to insure that kids LEARN TO READ!  IT’S THE TEACHERS JOB !   So this was how it all played out.   I had to play tutor to someone who was struggling with their reading.  The problem with this was:  I WAS 9 YEARS OLD!  Although I was reading at a good level I was cheated out of an education for ME!  I’m NOT in school for someone else to learn, I’m there for MYSELF to learn.

Okay , what your probably wondering is why didn’t I speak up?  Here is why:

  1.  I was being beaten physically on an almost daily basis
  2. I was being intimidated by a step Mother on an almost daily basis
  3. I had ZERO and I mean ZERO self worth which no one bothered to teach me.

It took me all these years to figure it out.   This is what the government does to the public schools ladies & gentlemen.   They don’t care about your children in public school, so make sure that you do or better still enroll them in private or a charter

Because teachers all they seem to care about is their damn paychecks!  I speak from experience.   What public school has gotten me is unemployed, and a lifetime of grief.    Thanks teachers.

If Your Looking To Move To A Good City? Seattle Ain’t it!

I am tired , I should be going to bed but don’t want to.   I am watching a documentary about homeless people who are in Nashville TN for about the 50th time.   Regular TV is garbage especially network tv.

I’m not talking to my Mother, she gets on my last nerve playing the victim all the time no matter how much I try to provide suggestions, she chooses to do the pity pot thing & since it triggers my manic depression well it’s the silent treatment it is.

For those of you in the know or who don’t know don’t move to Seattle!   It’s awful!  the social scene sucks and all anyone wants to do here is get high.   People here have no social skills.    You know I want to  find a good city to move to when I was younger but the problem was this:  Where in the world do I go?   and   I don’t know anyone in other cities.    Back in the 80’s I did try to live with my Father in Los Angeles however his Wife didn’t want me around & my Father was a bit obtuse on how to help me.   I stayed for a year and I tried to find work .    Any kind  of  work  but it was hard to find anything.    Hell I couldn’t even get hired at Mcdonalds or  Carls   Jr.    So I had to fly back to dreadful Seattle where I’ve been stuck ever since.    And OMG does it suck here!   I’m really really trying to figure a way to find a job so I can earn enough money to leave & head down South.     I  have a     city in mind.    I’ll have to continue this later this W.P. is acting up.   This city will  cause anyone to jump off a bridge!   Hey everyone.   Just woke up oh man did I sleep in way too late but no worries.   Manic depression does drain you mentally.

I got to thinking here regarding me and the time when I tried to move down to Los Angeles in the 1980’s.  Well it was a good thing that it might not have worked out however I sure wished that I had some other relatives who might have lived in other counties.   My Dad was real neglectful.   And I did have a difficult time living with him.   But I do know this.   I MUST move out of Washington.   It’s real sad because I have no other family that lives elsewhere.   So if any of you pray please pray for me!  Living here in Seattle Washington is just no damn good for me.