When You’ve Had People In Your Life Who’ve Failed You? This Is What Happens!

Still at my age I’m trying to get my life together! At my age! Why? I’ll be glad to enlighten you because no one bothers to get to know the REAL ME. So all I have are these blogs were it is the ONE & ONLY place that I have a voice.

No one has ever taken any interest to invest even the smallest amount of time with teaching me a damn thing! This dates alllllllll the way back to when I was a child. I was ignored, always ignored. And the only time I was paid any attention was when I made a mistake as young people will do. It’s how we learn people!

No one was around to teach me ANYTHING! To the people who did raise me ( HA) I have to ask you this: Where you stupid or something? Did you not know that SOME DAY I would be a grown woman who would someday enter into the World? Or did you just think that something would fall out of the sky, hit me on the head, and then VOILA! I would be this high functioning , successful woman who would kick ass in the World?

Here is what I did get this is a short list but I would love to share with you:

  1. Beaten with steel brushes, ping pong paddles, heavy leather belts ( which hurt)
  2. Sent to my room in the middle of the day where I had to draw all the shades down, get into my pj’s, then get into bed where I had to stay for hours. I could not watch any tv , read, I could do nothing at all. And this was done to me multiple times by the Stepmother. ‘Just go to bed’ said often and in the middle of a day.
  3. Whipped nude ( the woman was a freak)
  4. Had my beautiful long hair pulled while the Step Mother had me on the ground ( pretty cowardly to do to a little girl don’t you think?)
  5. Denied food, or barely fed. Had to resort to digging in trash cans while on the schools playground during lunch time ( elementary school years)
  6. This is just a few of the things I endured

Once I got to go live with my ACTUAL Mother things really did not get any better because she was highly unstable. She was a screamer. Between getting hit & getting screamed at I think that I would prefer the beating. She also could never be relied upon.

Example: And this is an excerpt from my previous blog ‘End Of Year Memories’ my Mother actually stood me up when she was supposed to take me to register for my high school fall classes. After I got out of the hair dresser I waited & waited and she never showed. Had to walk the two miles and was late to the high school orientation.

Today, I’m a failure. I’m unemployed and have been for years. I’m on federal assistance, I live in an apartment were I’m miserable & the management treats its tenants like peaseants. I am a horder so my apartment is horribly in a disarray. I have no furniture save for an air mattress, a tv, DVD recorder to watch the few documentaries, and Burn Notice episodes, I also have a small radio. I don’t own a car , but do have a drivers license, however I haven’t driven in a good long while. I hardly own very many clothes.

I have a ZERO support system! So what do you all think? I also have multiple documented mental health issues diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I recently just had another accessment by a local psychiatrist from Harborview mental health. I’m in extremely bad shape.

Yet no one will really help me. Why? All I seem to get are walls from people & they turn their back on me. I would love a reply. But know I won’t get one. I need so much help.

I’d also like to establish my own website, get on instagram, hello is anyone out there?

Sandra Jean

Today is my birthday everyone! And it is a bittersweet one. Well there is this Covid 19 but it isn’t just that. Because I’ve had to stay home I’ve had memories from yester year flood through my consciousness like a tsunami tidal wave. Starting to remember so much.

Last night I thought of her again Sandra, everyone once in a while and especially my birthday I think of her. Sometimes throughout the years Sandra would appear to me in my dreams. And in my dreams I would always say the same thing which is:

‘I knew you weren’t gone’. Then I would wake up realizing that it was a dream. I grew up with Sandra when we were children in Los Angeles during the 70’s a glorious time to be a child, we played together her, her brothers & I rode bikes together, played hide & seek, heck played outside in the hot L.A. summer sun until we all were called to come inside those were some really fun times, we even played numerous board games together in Monopoly Sandra was ALWAYS the banker. She had a bit of a mean streak at times, while other times she had the makings of a natural born leader in her! She was the pride & joy of her family! Outspoken, assertive and she was just a child. She seemed somehow older than she was, it was kind of like she was an older woman trapped in a childs body. I looked up to her, however sometime between 6th & 7th grade she found a new friend K. whom she seemed to have more in common or liked better? But I wasn’t jealous , crazy as it sounds I sort of understood it & just accepted that. I didn’t feel the least bit abandoned or whatever. I still don’t understand that to this day.

When I was 12 I went back to go live with my biological Mother, you see Sandra was the niece of my Stepmother Dad’s 2nd wife ( they later divorced) and I lost touch with her & didn’t say goodbye. After I graduated high school I enlisted in the military. When I was 19 I while on leave I went to go visit my Dad in Los Angeles and looked up Sandra.

Unsure how she felt about me dropping back into her life, but she seemed happy to see me. Because I never forgot about her. Ever. I even remember that we went to a movie together, we went to go see Poltergeist. I really did want to STAY IN TOUCH with Sandra, however for whatever reason Sandra seemed distant, she pulled away from me without any explanation whatsoever. Hurt as I was I left her alone, then simply went my separate way. I now really regret it. I had no way of knowing that years later she would no longer be on this earth. My Father broke the news to me while I was in the hospital recovering from a nervous breakdown. I still don’t understand why she passed away. She was only 29 years old.

Last night I did a search for her & found her pictures on Ancestry.com. I saw the pictures of her. Sandra so beautiful. She was really photogenic! And let me inform all you readers her pictures don’t do her justice seeing her in person she had the most beautiful greenish eyes ever! I’ve never found anyone ever that had Sandra’s kind of eyes. She had that beauty! She could have been in pageants I’m not kidding she was that beautiful. When I looked at those two photos I felt a real haunting feeling creep up inside of me. It was a combination of alot of different things but one of them was utter saddeness!

I did love her & she was susch a special woman. Everyone I just wished I could have spent more time with her. Isn’t that always the case? I mean you always THINK that there is always tomorrow, I mean Sandra & I were both young had no reason to think that the time might be limited at such a young age who thinks of DEATH? Certainly not me. This goes out to her immediate family you know who you are. Your Daughter will always hold a special place in my heart! We may not have been as close as say her one bestie K. but that does not mean that I loved her any less. She was special. And I have so many regrets. To whoever posted Sandra’s pic’s on Ancestry.com THANK YOU!

Sandra Jean I miss & love you RIP!