Adult Children Who’ve Survived Abuse. No They Didn’t Do The Best They Could.

This will not be typed in its entirety because right now I’m on a public computer inside the apartment building I live in. I’m hungry & really aggravated, due to the fact my Mother called me today. It was somewhat silly she was trying to cheer me up but I’ve been living alone & isolated for many years so buying me an Alexa or whatever the Hell that contraption is won’t help sooth my pain & anguish of how lonely I am.

One thing that bothers me about my Mother is how in denial she is in. She was pretty verbally abusive towards me as a teen and when I say abusive she would SCREAM at me! which is the most horrible kind of abuse there is to take from a parent next to getting beat with a belt. In fact the screaming, ranting, the jumping up & down ( all done by Mom) I can never get out of my subconcious.

Mom had the nerve to bring up my bipolar and to say something like well you got it when you were an adult. WRONG! This was brought about when I was so much younger & I told her this. I was careful & side stepped alot of things but I did tell her was that as a teen I was often depressed & often very tired. She never cooked me any meals meaning breakfast before school ( I had a bowl of cornflakes which for a growing teen who ate like a adult that was NOTHING) Mom never insured I had any dinner, my dinner was often ate at either a fast food restaurant, at whatever food court job I held at the time, or at my best friends home. I wasn’t taught anything about taking vitamins to insure I had energy enough to even get through the day at school. I only told about the nutrition & vitamins part.

Well, here is the excuse mantra said by every abusive parent the world over.

Mom said “Well I did the best I could” ” I had to work to make sure we had food” (actually we didn’t have food outside of dried beans, then she said I had to buy my own groceries which I hadn’t a clue how to do at 16 years old I was a child still not emotionally mature) Why do parents always say this BS?? NO you didn’t do the best you could. That is just an excuse! Everyone we have a crisis in this country. Parents are neglectful, some parents spew the most hateful toxic bile known to man. And people wonder why there is parenticide that exists? Mom really did test my sanity at times, but for the grace of God go I because I feel getting physically tortured would have been alot less painful!

To be continued.

Social Media Is Stupid! I Hate It.

As far as I’m concerned this whole social media craze is utterly STUPID! And I hate it. To me it’s just like F**king high school all over again with the popularity “the followers” and those stupid “likes” just like Goddamned high school. And High school was hell for me, I was never really popular, I was getting abused at home by my Mom & no one seemed to give a damn about me.

I was trying to get back into my ZERO FOLLOWER Instagram account so that I could write a measly 150 words which is so stupid because that is not enough words to tell about yourself. If your lazy and hate to write I think this site is for those people.

I sort of got inspired to TRY to set up a social media account by the former therapist N. Her sites are GREAT! I’m already really discouraged & just want to destroy this computer. I’m not a great lover of technology anyway.

So I just give up on the whole damn thing. It really turns me so OFF!! I feel insecure, I have no one that can help me & I don’t even know how to get a picture of myself on the stupid site! I don’t know how all of you out there like this shit! Guess I will be left out as always.

The end.

Even On Mothers Day! No End To The Backstabbing!

I always have a difficult time of my lifes journey. Much more so than say the average person. Even when I try to do something nice like say get a Mothers day card for my Mom that seems to be fraught with backstabbing! I will explain please continue to read/

Earlier this week I mailed a card to my Mother. It was a great card too, this one I found at a neighboring suburb not too far from were I live at the local Safeway store. It was a pop up Wonder Woman card along with a little voice button that I thought Mom would LOVE!

The problem? Last night which would have been day before Mothers Day I called to ask Mom if she got her card.

She answered with a cold & dry ‘No’. I immediately went into slight panic mode & my mind went into about a thousand different directions! Mom then said that she sends her housekeeping woman out to collect the mail. THERE! Mystery solved.

The housekeeping woman I don’t like. I feel that she is well an interloper she wants to cling onto my Mother & act as though SHE IS the Daughter! Oh yeah, I don’t know about other races & cultures but in my culture? It’s highly toxic & the women steal from you.

I suspect that this woman is just like this. When I was last at my Mothers home which was on her birthday I got to meet the woman. But here is the thing, I wasn’t in the mood to be social I was only there for Mom & not the woman. All I was capable of was ‘Hello’ & anything that might have been construed as a brief conversation. She kept wanting to be included into everything kind of like how a child might want to be. This got on my nerves. I mean hey, this isn’t an episode of the Brady Bunch and she isn’t Alice!

Back last November which was the last time I was at Mom’s house I really made no effort to be friendly, I just wanted to keep my distance, I just didn’t want to really talk to her. She is too young, too immature, and way too needy. Besides this housekeeper has her OWN FAMILY!

So it didn’t get off to a good start, and quite frankly I really didn’t care. See, I feel that you can’t be nice to everyone in the World. And I already have trust issues especially with people of my own community.

So Mom didn’t get her card, and from here on out I will now need to send anything I mail

Major Update everyone pls read further! My Mother just called me. It seems that my Mothers day card that I originally sent to her? Accidentally got mailled to the WEST part of town. My Mother lives in or near Central part of town.

But here is what really gets me. This speaks volumes about the type of service one gets AT THE POST OFFICE! I say this because I have been sending Mom cards for well over a few decades now! The staff at the post office? I’ll be blunt especially ones that work in the back seem like a motley bunch of people and I’ve watched YouTube videos were employee’s secretly tape what goes on. When I say disgruntled the Post Office definitely comes to mind!

Question my WordPress friends: Isn’t that is why we PUT the zip code on all of our correspondance?? Correct me if I’m wrong but the difference in zip code from the West part of town & the Central part is very different.

So glad I never worked for the post office.

Attention!

I now have a pre-made website that is free with the help of Wixsite.com. I say pre-made because most of the wording is not my own they included their own spin. I have at the bottom of the page a contact link for anyone that wants to say hello. Friendly’s only, please nothing vulgar or crass! I’m recovering from an abusive past.

I know nothing about how to set up a website so I simply Googled how to get one then went on Wix site picking it at random. Since I have no help I’m simply learning as I go.

The inspiration behind this idea was my former therapist N. who has multiple social media as well as her own personal website. Seeing what she had gave me the idea to try something for myself.

Check it out for yourself.

yogibeara425.wixsite.com

The More I think back the more I’m convinced that My Mother ruined me.

I should be married. I should have kids. I should be living waaaaaay better than I am. Why aren’t I? Well I grew up with a very unstable Mother who screamed, had a strange man living with us when I was a young teenager & you men out there you know how you act meaning you love to walk around nude or in your underwear. Shit I would have settled for having the Cro Magnon creature walking in his underwear.

MENTALLY UNSTABLE! Is what I’m talking about people. WARNING to all you parents or single parents PLEASE pay attention to how you treat your kids because it makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD! is all I’m saying. What got me triggered was the following.

I went on Youtube to look up a recipe because I can’t really cook. I saw a thumb nail about a Fort Hood soldier who surprised his family by coming home earlier than expected I guess? I didn’t click onto the video to watch it because it caused me alot of pain to even see the thumb nail. I kept thinking to myself “that should be me”. I failed in life it seems.

See, I was in the military. I had a man who did care about me however I didn’t really know how I felt about him because at the time I was 21 years old, a baby and I really didn’t understand things like that because I had NO ONE talk to me nor explain to me about relationships all I got was: ridicule, petty jealousy, verbal abuse that came if many forms one of them being hostility or sarcasm, or just plain NEGLECT. I’ll give you one good example of how Mother neglected me (and this is one of several times) I was 13 Mom & I were dining at a local fish & chips place Skippers. Mom got up to go to the bathroom so she left me by myself sitting at the table. A much older man wearing a wide brimmed hat that was the style at the time had come over to my table,stretched out his arm to hand me a folded up sheet of paper I don’t remember what that piece of paper had said but I’m sure that the paper had a phone number or whatever!. I didn’t know myself, I was really beginning to show signs of being mentally unstable it was the beggining of a terrible time for me that still hasn’t ended! And let me say that NO ONE really helped me through this dark journey & no one STILL HAS NOT helped me through this dark journey.

Anyway I immediately hated myself for not doing MORE with my life! I had to put up with a Mother that said such hateful things and she often was so hostile, she screamed at me, or on the flip side she would ignore me altogether and when she would come home from work ( this was when I was in high school) she would fixe herself some cereal then head straight up to her bedroom, close the door, and I would not see her for the rest of the evening. Leaving me so depressed. It felt like someone gutted my insides out! I felt empty, alone, and extremely SAD!!

All I could think to say was “That should be me”! Because everyone I’m pretty easy on the eyes, I mean I’m not Halle Berry gorgeous but I ain’t ugly either. However I’ve had a history of horrible abuse. My own Mother won’t even admit to how badly she’s treated me. I’m devastated! Where is my happy ending?

When You’ve Had People In Your Life Who’ve Failed You? This Is What Happens!

Still at my age I’m trying to get my life together! At my age! Why? I’ll be glad to enlighten you because no one bothers to get to know the REAL ME. So all I have are these blogs were it is the ONE & ONLY place that I have a voice.

No one has ever taken any interest to invest even the smallest amount of time with teaching me a damn thing! This dates alllllllll the way back to when I was a child. I was ignored, always ignored. And the only time I was paid any attention was when I made a mistake as young people will do. It’s how we learn people!

No one was around to teach me ANYTHING! To the people who did raise me ( HA) I have to ask you this: Where you stupid or something? Did you not know that SOME DAY I would be a grown woman who would someday enter into the World? Or did you just think that something would fall out of the sky, hit me on the head, and then VOILA! I would be this high functioning , successful woman who would kick ass in the World?

Here is what I did get this is a short list but I would love to share with you:

  1. Beaten with steel brushes, ping pong paddles, heavy leather belts ( which hurt)
  2. Sent to my room in the middle of the day where I had to draw all the shades down, get into my pj’s, then get into bed where I had to stay for hours. I could not watch any tv , read, I could do nothing at all. And this was done to me multiple times by the Stepmother. ‘Just go to bed’ said often and in the middle of a day.
  3. Whipped nude ( the woman was a freak)
  4. Had my beautiful long hair pulled while the Step Mother had me on the ground ( pretty cowardly to do to a little girl don’t you think?)
  5. Denied food, or barely fed. Had to resort to digging in trash cans while on the schools playground during lunch time ( elementary school years)
  6. This is just a few of the things I endured

Once I got to go live with my ACTUAL Mother things really did not get any better because she was highly unstable. She was a screamer. Between getting hit & getting screamed at I think that I would prefer the beating. She also could never be relied upon.

Example: And this is an excerpt from my previous blog ‘End Of Year Memories’ my Mother actually stood me up when she was supposed to take me to register for my high school fall classes. After I got out of the hair dresser I waited & waited and she never showed. Had to walk the two miles and was late to the high school orientation.

Today, I’m a failure. I’m unemployed and have been for years. I’m on federal assistance, I live in an apartment were I’m miserable & the management treats its tenants like peaseants. I am a horder so my apartment is horribly in a disarray. I have no furniture save for an air mattress, a tv, DVD recorder to watch the few documentaries, and Burn Notice episodes, I also have a small radio. I don’t own a car , but do have a drivers license, however I haven’t driven in a good long while. I hardly own very many clothes.

I have a ZERO support system! So what do you all think? I also have multiple documented mental health issues diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I recently just had another accessment by a local psychiatrist from Harborview mental health. I’m in extremely bad shape.

Yet no one will really help me. Why? All I seem to get are walls from people & they turn their back on me. I would love a reply. But know I won’t get one. I need so much help.

I’d also like to establish my own website, get on instagram, hello is anyone out there?

People’s Lack Of Manners In Wake Of Covid 19

This will be a short one. Angry over another womans rudeness at a Safeway store this morning. Actually there is another incidence but I’ll address this one first. I was at Safeway, very early doing my shopping when I needed to go near the seafood dept to get some pre-wrapped prawns to make my birthday dinner tonight (Wish me happy birthday its long earned everyone!) Anyway there were two women standing right in front of the cold case seafood ( the open air one were the salmon, shrimp are usually kept) and the two women just didn’t budge.

And, they weren’t doing anything! just standing there like two idiots! just talking. People I have no complaints about you shooting the breeze with your friend or lover or whatever but would you PLEASE pay attention to your surroundings okay? Thats all I’m asking. I don’t go to the store to pick up anyone nor do I go to socialize. I go to the store because I’m hungry & I pick up, stock up for food! Now my 2nd issue to some of you women who for whatever reason lack any amount of manners for the rest of us trying to do our shopping, here is lesson #1.

When a person says EXCUSE ME, like I did and I followed that with ‘I’m just trying to reach for these prawns, the polite & CLASSY way to follow up with is I’M SORRY, then move your ****** basket out of my way please. What you don’t do is leave your basket right were it is, then walk away! Low life classless, how ever do you even have any friends? Eww. Guess birds of a feather.

Okay so I lied this is going on a little longer I HATE being disrespected! On Monday April 20th I’m at the Rite Aid picking up some items for myself. I needed hair color, deordorant and a few other things for myself. I’m all ready at to pay so I’m waiting for a cashier to appear at the counter. One problem. THERE IS NO CASHIER she seems to be M.I.A. ! However there is another Rite Aid clerk not very far stocking an end cap display so I know that she must see me. The Rite Aid clerk does absolutlely NOTHING!

Does not speak to me, no ‘I’ll be right with you’ just nothing! I waited a few more minutes before I decided that I had enough. I turned, then placed what I would have purchased right on top of a display shelf, then walked right out the store talking about her sorry ass as I went. I wasn’t about to take any bait. White people pls quit with the disrespect. You made not like me because of HOW I look but my money still spends.

I put that location on full blast online. Thats how mad I was. Please women learn how to respect us black women. What in the Hell is wrong with you all anyway??

Sandra Jean

Today is my birthday everyone! And it is a bittersweet one. Well there is this Covid 19 but it isn’t just that. Because I’ve had to stay home I’ve had memories from yester year flood through my consciousness like a tsunami tidal wave. Starting to remember so much.

Last night I thought of her again Sandra, everyone once in a while and especially my birthday I think of her. Sometimes throughout the years Sandra would appear to me in my dreams. And in my dreams I would always say the same thing which is:

‘I knew you weren’t gone’. Then I would wake up realizing that it was a dream. I grew up with Sandra when we were children in Los Angeles during the 70’s a glorious time to be a child, we played together her, her brothers & I rode bikes together, played hide & seek, heck played outside in the hot L.A. summer sun until we all were called to come inside those were some really fun times, we even played numerous board games together in Monopoly Sandra was ALWAYS the banker. She had a bit of a mean streak at times, while other times she had the makings of a natural born leader in her! She was the pride & joy of her family! Outspoken, assertive and she was just a child. She seemed somehow older than she was, it was kind of like she was an older woman trapped in a childs body. I looked up to her, however sometime between 6th & 7th grade she found a new friend K. whom she seemed to have more in common or liked better? But I wasn’t jealous , crazy as it sounds I sort of understood it & just accepted that. I didn’t feel the least bit abandoned or whatever. I still don’t understand that to this day.

When I was 12 I went back to go live with my biological Mother, you see Sandra was the niece of my Stepmother Dad’s 2nd wife ( they later divorced) and I lost touch with her & didn’t say goodbye. After I graduated high school I enlisted in the military. When I was 19 I while on leave I went to go visit my Dad in Los Angeles and looked up Sandra.

Unsure how she felt about me dropping back into her life, but she seemed happy to see me. Because I never forgot about her. Ever. I even remember that we went to a movie together, we went to go see Poltergeist. I really did want to STAY IN TOUCH with Sandra, however for whatever reason Sandra seemed distant, she pulled away from me without any explanation whatsoever. Hurt as I was I left her alone, then simply went my separate way. I now really regret it. I had no way of knowing that years later she would no longer be on this earth. My Father broke the news to me while I was in the hospital recovering from a nervous breakdown. I still don’t understand why she passed away. She was only 29 years old.

Last night I did a search for her & found her pictures on Ancestry.com. I saw the pictures of her. Sandra so beautiful. She was really photogenic! And let me inform all you readers her pictures don’t do her justice seeing her in person she had the most beautiful greenish eyes ever! I’ve never found anyone ever that had Sandra’s kind of eyes. She had that beauty! She could have been in pageants I’m not kidding she was that beautiful. When I looked at those two photos I felt a real haunting feeling creep up inside of me. It was a combination of alot of different things but one of them was utter saddeness!

I did love her & she was susch a special woman. Everyone I just wished I could have spent more time with her. Isn’t that always the case? I mean you always THINK that there is always tomorrow, I mean Sandra & I were both young had no reason to think that the time might be limited at such a young age who thinks of DEATH? Certainly not me. This goes out to her immediate family you know who you are. Your Daughter will always hold a special place in my heart! We may not have been as close as say her one bestie K. but that does not mean that I loved her any less. She was special. And I have so many regrets. To whoever posted Sandra’s pic’s on Ancestry.com THANK YOU!

Sandra Jean I miss & love you RIP!

Marcellus

Marcellus was my step uncle if that makes any sense to any of you. Back when I was court ordered to live with my biological Father & his odious 2nd Wife I was one miserable child.

However several times a week I was required by the wicked witch to stay with her then elderly Mother to keep her company. The old woman didn’t seem to have any friends, which was not surprising given her awful attitude. She seemed to have all the warmth of a walk in refrigerator at a McDonalds! Except for her favorite grown son Marcellous I don’t think I am spelling it right but thats okay. Out of all of my Fathers in-laws that he married into and they were all pretty much hideous rotten people with no class, Marcellous really stood out.

He lived with the old woman his Mother and he was a grown man about 30-ish at the time. Really handsome, tall, with thick wavy curly hair! But most of all everyone, Marcellous was the nicest man you’d ever want to meet. I mean I never heard him cuss ( church going man), I never saw him get angry except when it was to put my toddler step brother in his place. A real gentleman.

I haven’t thought about him in many years. How I did think of him was when I had a very horrible experiance with yet a rude clerk at…..you guessed it THE POST OFFICE! It really got under my skin. I swear what is it about their job that makes them a miserable lot? Anyway, Marcellous worked the graveyard shift at the Inglewood Post Office. Other than being tired, he was still a cogenial person. I remember he would come home where he lived with his Mother ( whom I usually had to stay overnight with) and the old woman would cook him a complete hot breakfast! Of course the old hag would never offer me anything! And I was as skinny as a rail meaning I was real malnourished because the step mother fed me like a jail inmate. Any of you know how jail inmates get fed well they’re fed just to barely keep from starving. I have never been to jail which is a miracle coming from the background I survived. If you’ve read any of my blogs you’d understand.

Suffice it to say, I was ALWAYS HUNGRY. And worse I had to watch others eat which was worse than the physical abuse I endured.

I really miss Marcellous. My Father when he was alive had told me that Marcellous passed away back in 2003. Too bad I would have liked to have paid my respects because he was one of a kind in men. I’m not kidding either.

I remember on many occasions while Marcellous would get ready for work and let me say he took a LONG TIME in the bathroom! He was meticulous about his hair which he kept smooth using Murray’s Pomade which is still sold at some stores I saw it at a local Safeway. And his clothes were ironed, shoes spit shined polished. Nothing out of place. His Mother would grumble that he took too long in the bathroom. However when I needed to pee I would simply knock on the door Marcellous’ head would jut out sideways ( I guess to hide his unclothed body?) I would ask if I could use the bathroom, He gladly would step out & I would do my business. He wasn’t upset, irritated, I think he would say something like ‘sure’ or ‘okay’

I had always wanted HIM as a father figure or a step dad. I miss him more than my real Father. And my real Father wasn’t much of a Father to me or my Mother. I never really liked my Father much. I have so much work to do on letting go of how BADLY he hurt Mom & I. Message to you Fathers please don’t put your kids in the middle of your divorce! Let them see THEIR MOTHERS!

On my own personal issues: I hate seeing families with kids. Today I went to a Red Robin for a burger to take home for dinner when I stumbled smack dab into a kiddie BIRTHDAY PARTY!! I almost had a nervous break down. Thank god for my meds.

Good men are so rare. Sorry I digressed.

Marcellous was such a rare man in this World. And there hasn’t been one like him since.

That makes me sad 😦

Young Fathers Please Be Mindful How You Act In Public

Today I set about on a quest to try to buy my Mother a snowglobe. Primarily a snowglobe with an angel in it. The last one which I purchased for her was the one year I worked at Goodwill Industries and it was purchased for a minimal price. She loved it.

Unfortunately SOMEONE ( perhaps her Husband I suspect) deliberately destroyed the angel snowglobe. While at Mom’s house one day I picked it up from her office table to look it over. Yep, the damage was done deliberate most likely she made a big deal of me buying it & how much she loved it. Now do you understand the type of family I have? It sucks. Men can be suck dick’s.

So today I’m at the Hallmark store, I go to the first clerk that is behind the counter and ask her if they have any angel snowglobes. The clerk almost gives me a blank stare like I asked her how to split the atom or something. The clerk simply says ‘this is all we have’ which in other words no they don’t have want I want. FYI Hallmark what kind of store are you?

So right to my left there is a young man who is with his young girls and he is barking to them ‘OVER HERE GIRLS’! nearly scaring me half to death although I don’t show it on my face. But I did look over to the young man to find a young man of another ethnic origin ( I won’t say which it was so I don’t get any grief) and he looked at me HARD! When I wasn’t even doing anything to him! I know the look. It’s the look of a hardened criminal. Trust me when I say that this guy? Had ZERO softness nor did he have ANY hint of a smile, slight or otherwise. I’ve been around folks I felt in my gut that this guy was indeed bad news.

Young men when your out in public please try to adopt some modicum of a soft public outward appearance. This guy, scared me. I didn’t like the looks of him. He certainly could benefit from social classes.

One issue I did have was his seemingly lack of manners and his very menacingly look. I approached the clerk FIRST. She was behind the counter. I felt that it was almost like he was trying to jockey for the clerks attention over me. Hey, one must wait their turn THANK YOU!

I already have severe issues with men. They seem to show zero respect for women. Men, please stop just thinking of yourselves. This world doesn’t revolve around you.