Life For A Woman Like Me Is So Unfair.

I am mad. I don’t have a criminal record, never been to jail or prison. I served my complete enlistment in the military and was discharged with an honorable discharge.

Yet when I returned home I was treated like shit!

Immediately when I arrived back to Seattle, I visited the Worksource employment office and spoke with those useless counselors.

Do you think they helped? No they did not. Basically they were pretty lazy and indifferent. I would talk to them, mention to them what I needed, I would tell them I got out of the military only to be treated like some red headed step child that these cretins didn’t want to be bothered with.

I would go about 3-5 times per week. Basically those counselors at the Worksource would be somewhat apathetic. They would punch in some information on a machine then give me a card with the name of the company & address. I really don’t think that any of those clowns cared about me.

One lady a White lady had said to me ( without much interest) ‘Why don’t you try baking’? However when she said this to me she did not look at me she was looking at her screen in front of her. And guess what? This lady counselor didn’t provide me with a piece of paper about any baking program nor did she suggest any contact person I could speak with. Now thats a lazy bruja!

I will make this statement because I am angry. Actually I have a question a rhetorical one I suppose.

That question is: How come when inmates leave prison they’re given opportunities for job training? When here I never committed a crime I have a clean record but no one even gave a damn to help especially Worksource employment! Even the free culinary job training here in Seattle Farestart ( which ain’t so fair more like UNFAIR) rejected me TWICE for entry into their program. Farestart YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!

Answer racism! This was years ago and little has changed for me. It has been dead end job, after dead end job. Thats right people this Country is a horrible one for a Black woman. And during that time I was :

Attractive

Slender

Articulate

But Black

You do the math.

Now, it seems to me that I have little chance to improve my life. I’ve reached out to a lot of places. However as I type this for all of you to read I may have one option which is Vocational Rehabilitation. But I won’t hold my breath. Everyone to include my former therapist who LEFT has failed me miserably.

I am very marginalized. If you don’t know what that means then go Google it please. But I am a textbook example of that.

And I don’t know what to do.

I just need those prayers I need them. Cause no one cares about me.

No one cares about my feelings, no one cares.

I feel like I am totally F**ked.

I need a friend please.

What I Go Through Everyday? Is Never Easy.

I’m going through hell. Most of you could never imagine. Long before this Covid thing got ahold of the Country even the World, my life was never comfortable. Examples: Being disrespected on an almost daily basis.

The racial slurs. Even being called racial slurs ONE TIME is too much. I’ve been called them lets see I will run a tally:

  1. 2010 – screamed the N word at least 6-10 times on a public transportation bus one summer, wow that was a barrel of laughs ( note sarcasm)
  2. Being called a Black bitch 2004 while coming home from work early one evening by a White woman who was asking me were a ‘pool hall’ was. How stupid was this lady, I don’t even play pool.
  3. Being called the ‘N’ word by a little White 9 year old boy one year I attended an A.A. barbeque at the home of an acquaintance. The little shit thought it was funny. Parents, please teach your CHILDREN to talk respectfully & with full dignity to adults in social settings. Hate doesn’t belong anywere. Some of you need to understand this.
  4. Having screamed at my apartment door in 2017 the ‘N’ word along with having my door kicked in + pounded. Fun! 😦

And, the disrespect , the instituitional racism which is EVERYWHERE goes on & on. Having Black skin unless I’m Kamala Harris? Garners me nothing but being treated like a 2nd class citizen!

Add to that I have no relationships, my elderly Mother is in failing health and what I have is one unhappy life.

Update: Any Of You Experiance A Toxic Step Parent?

Hello everyone, I just spoke with my Mother. She has had to deal with a chaotic scene unsure what that would entail, because I’ve grown up with nothing but chaos my entire life.

I just had a phone call from her, and as it turns out she was 100% miserable at her own home with my Step Father who seems from my point of view :

A sociopath

Narcississtic combined with Post war time PTSD.

My Mother tried to defend him. Ugh!

‘Well he was whipped” And I don’t devalue that because as a little girl? I was whipped on a daily sometimes 2x daily basis for anything! Now think on that one, kids always mess up & make mistakes they are kids, so you know I was on the receiving end of the belt but not from Mom, it came from Step Mom Dad’s odious 2nd Wife. Step parents always hate the previous kids & why. Just because the woman didn’t pop the kid out of her Coochie (or help to procreate the child , this goes out to the ment) doesn’t mean a Step Parent should hate the child from a previous marriage! How unchristian is that!? I feel that Step parents need severe schooling when it comes to children from a previous marriage. In fact I will write a blog about that in future b/c I’ve been there honey! I am a child ( now an adult) from a previous marriage. I have to let you know what time it is, and what you the Step parent needs to learn.

I told Mom that _____________________ needs to get in line a lot of people have been severely abused. It is up to the individual to seek treatment.

But see, this is what I don’t like about Mom: She doesn’t tell me what is going on so how am I supposed to know what the WORLD is up?

Ugh!

Stay tuned.

I need to get back to work, I’ve got a major move coming up lots of straightening, sorting, throwing out, you all know what I mean.

DRAMA!

Its Official I Really Don’t Like My Mother, Anyone Relate?

Hello everyone! My Thanksgiving truly sucked big fat elephants balls! I wasn’t depressed, however I did not get not one F****ing phone call.

My Mother didn’t call me. Now ain’t that some shit? I called to wish her a happy birthday the other day and she really didn’t act like she even wanted to talk to me.

My Mother was as cold as a walk in refrigerator. I go from severely abused child who is neglected on all fronts all through out my childhood: Childhood , teen years: The screaming, getting things thrown at me due to a Mother who is unstable. The cruel things that were said: E.G. one morning before I went to school I must have been 13 she says: ‘I’ll throw your black ass in the swimming pool’. That year we lived in an apartment bldg that had a swimming pool. The more I try, the worse she seems to get. No one seems to understand nor gets a clue what it is like to have a Mother like this. And I need to say, I do not deserve this. I always deserved better and I just have never gotten it!

So no call from her. I’m not mad that I had a lousy dinner. I can’t cook nor do I like it. I don’t see the point in really learning unless I have someone I can cook for. And my dinner sucked. However on a positive note my neighbor offered to bring me some food.

So that was really cool of my neighbor. But Mom has really done it this time and I can’t let this slide.

I tried my best to make the most of my holiday. I watched movies off of Amazon, hey I really tried! But I just deserve SO MUCH MORE!!!!

So why do people continue, to treat me like shit? I feel like I’m on another

planet. Will you PLEASE pray for me as I’m suffering & quite upset.

Thank you for letting me rant & for reading my rant.

I need a glass of water.

Sincerely

The lonely shepard

Unless You Are My Parents Don’t Dictate Anything To Me!

I had in mind a blog to type but as I was out taking care of business today, preparing to move out of my apartment, I was waiting for my ride from a mall out in the suburbs.

Now , I was very weary of even going out there b/c there are gangs out in this suburb. But the someone who ended up bothering me was a ‘White man’.

The reason? I am outside waiting on my ride, looking longingly into the malls public library window wishing like hell it would reopen. None of the local libraries still aren’t open due to Covid. I had my mask hanging by one of my ears & I was outside for crying out loud.

Here comes the Gringo man saying the following:

“If your going inside the library you’d better be wearing that mask” and he barked this at me like I’m a child.

Now unless your : Slow, retarded, brain damaged, or living in a cave anyone who knows anything in this local area KNOWS that the damn public library has not opened to the public since March of this year! So basically he knew damned well that the library wasn’t open.

Told him to move along & to leave me alone.

Of course he did not.

What is it with the majority of Caucasians that they feel they have the right to speak aggressively to a Black woman like she were a child?

When he kept up, I got loud and told him to shove off until I decided to walk away. You White men. I don’t like any of you! Your too arrogant.

The pudgy snowman kept up with taunting me like it was funny.

I really wanted to give him a nice dose of my pepper spray. But I didn’t want to. I walked away talking about his ass all the way back to the entrance of the mall were it was safe!

White men, it is never a good idea to display your macho attitude, leave that overbearing intimidating authoritarian male shit at home.

When your out in public ACT LIKE A GENTLEMAN! You don’t provoke someone. You mind your own business. Your in a world of adults and as such you never , ever, talk down nor talk in an aggressive tones to a grown woman Black or otherwise. I wished he would have pulled that shit on the Hispanic or some other Black Sisters! We women of color just don’t play that.

There is such a thing as being a bully over this mask, now once one is indoors YES you wear a mask. Outside, its kind of neutral and those things are kind of hard to breath so yes it is alright or more aptly take off the mask at your own risk or discretion! But a person has no right to bully anyone over a mask. Common sense would dictate that if my mask was hanging off of one ear, wouldn’t it then stand to reason I was wearing it? But this man wanted to bother me, he saw a Black woman and saw his opportunity to attempt to talk down to me! I let him know loud & clear that I wasn’t okay with how he talked to me. Of course when you stand up for yourself basically what most men love to do is taunt you more. Men listen up, you really need to be careful who you talk crazy to. Pick who you bully very carefully but with the insane climate that this country is in? Do you think it’s wise to bark in aggressive tones to a Black woman when other Black men & women are dying at the hands of White police? Please take time to think on that one. Listen, all we want is a little respect and not have you come off as the Gestapo!

Covid Mask bullies your not the police so quit policing others and just mind your own business!

THIS! has been a public service announcement ( PSA)

Coming Later: Bigotry + Hate From Other Non White Group(s)

You don’t want to miss this. I have to run errands right now, so no time to type out my latest thoughts & experiences. I’ve encountered this a few times. So stay tuned.

I will write about this in a few days time. Going thru a very difficult time. It’s the time of year the holidays. You all get the picture I’m sure. A lot of memories flood in.

I miss my childhood difficult as it was, Dad is gone. Issues with Mother, I’m not depressed at least. But I just don’t like this time of year. I do kind of wish I were seeing someone. So, stay tuned. This was a bad week. Don’t like being bullied ( see previous blog)

Attention White Men, No I’m Not A Hooker!

Yes this is correct! Men are perv’s. Had a White man that I did not know a total stranger approach me asking me if I wanted a ride! A RIDE!

I was waiting right alongside my grocery cart of groceries I had just bought from Safeway. I was waiting for my paratransit VAN!

Most times I don’t get the timing of the pickup down real well.

I tend to finish ahead of time.

And, Governor Jay Inslee still will not let anyone sit inside which means I have to STAND OUTSIDE! Which can be quite uncomfortable, but what choice do I have.

Now, let me school you on the negative stereotypes of Black women. The majority of men see us as whores! I’m not stupid! It does not matter if I were to wear a short skirt ( which I don’t) or if I were to dress up in pajamas, it really doesn’t matter. Hey I’m a Black woman so I’m looking for sex right? 😦

I mean come on! Do I look that stupid to say “okey dokey” “I’ll ride with ya”! You have to be f**king kidding me right?

I was mad, when White man asked me if I wanted a ride, but I kept composed, in fact I wasn’t really mad. If anything I was real insulted.

I’m not exactly the most feminine looking woman although I’m losing weight. I am so tired of the perverted men.

Sometimes I wished I had a mallet to hit them over their dumb ass head, perhaps maybe some sense would get knocked into it.

But I doubt it because when it comes to most men?

They think with their ‘other head’.

I must have had the word ‘STUPID’ stenciled across my forehead.

Now , it seems Black women can’t even wait for their ride alongside their paid groceries.

What is the world coming to?

Advise to you all, Be Careful Of The Company You Keep.

I’ll try not to be preachy, but if it helps someone well hey why not. But I’ll do my best. I am alone. And I’m beginning to realize that it isn’t such a bad thing except when it comes to this time of year, and dealing with the long stretches of no human contact.

But thats fine, because I am very selective which is a very good thing.

I want a quality person and I don’t apologize for that. I have no idea where that ‘quality person’ will come from hey I’ll have to pray about that one.

In fact I will say that as of this date I am in love with someone, only thing is I could never have them. Which is alright. It will have to be I guess.

My suggestion is pick someone who is about improving their life. For me?

I don’t care much for people who are wild i.e. into the party scene, excessive drinking, no drugs and no uncouth types whatsoever except a light smoker occassional drinker.

I guess I’m writing this because I tend to attract some bad characters.

I avoid these bad characters like the plague. Now I prefer to stay to myself.

I remember a movie I had seen were the actor who played a rich business man I think he owned a construction company had said the following:

‘One is judged by the company one keeps’ that is true. However meeting the good types is easier said than done. I’ve been hoping for that to happen for years.

Being alone for me anyway really gives one a chance to get to know what your really made of. Of course it is not easy! For me, my transformation has been extremely painful.

I thought adolescence was hell and it was since I had extra issues piled on top of not being the most greatest dresser, having little to no self esteem, and getting bad grades. But at lease on the plus side? I did have great friends and not just that they were on the honor roll! I always wanted to be like the smart kids. Message to you youngsters who may be reading this: Please don’t be afraid to ask for help be that a :

Tutor

Teacher

High school counselor.

God bless!

Blog

This particular piece I write about is dedicated to a beautiful young lady who is no longer with us. She was the subject of the documentary ‘Aging Out’. I will leave out her name but this beautiful young lady had such a profound impact on me. It really hurts my heart that she is now gone b/c she was young born many years after me.

This beautiful young lady ( I will refer to her as this because she not only was beautiful on the outside but inside as well) was brilliant, smart, was a product of the foster care system and somehow was able to eke out a way to still be a teenager and not only that but get scholarships to good colleges throughout the state she lived in.

This beautiful young woman was the subject ( one of three) of a documentary about aging out of the foster care system. You all out there can do your own research to find it.

I wanted to just say that I really wished that she was here on this earth to make a better impact, but at least she has a legacy young though she was. Because I sure as heck remember her, I mean hey I was cooking some breakfast thinking of a better way to better my own life when this beautiful woman came into my thoughts.

The world as you all know ladies & gentlemen can be so viciously cruel! I mean with all I’ve went thru it STILL gets to me & overwhelms me everyday.

An example of how I remember this beautiful young woman are:

When I pass a particular fast food chain that she worked while she was in high school to save money for her high school prom at the time & I think college as well. I won’t eat there I only take a moment to think about her.

I want to keep this pretty vague, so I think that I will end here.

On an end note I just wished this woman were still here. I know that she was a subject of a documentary, and let me say documentaries are the best form of reality, but they’re not supposed to end were someone gets murdered! God bless her , her family, and her friends. To those reading this just know that this beautiful young woman has certainly touched my life & makes me really want to better it.

Rest in Heaven!