Hate Seattle!

Okay so there is a snowstorm and Seattle has lost its mind, its like “what do we do were in a snowstorm”! I haven’t been able to do anything which is frustrating because I want to get to my vocational rehabilitation appointments that will help me get back on the road to being employed! I can’t do that without major help as I suffer from chronic mental illness which has been a barrier my whole life. I have no family support that sucks, so no one to check up on me, sucks double! I’m even deprived of the trash tv during the day ( when I don’t feel like watching the MANY dvds from the library) because there is endless blather on the news about the SNOW!!!!! I have been trying to make myself as happy ( not happening) or have the situation be bearable as possible by watching British TV on dvd. If there is anyone a fan of Midsomer Murders please hit me up & CONTACT ME! I would love to have a conversation. My readers from the U.K. I do get some from time to time contact me. I had a fight with Mom over the phone telling her how unhappy I was when I was a teen living under her roof. Don’t know how it came up I guess I was tired of pretending how everything is alright which nothing is alright with me ( I suffer) then when we first spoke it started with how her neighbors shoveled her stairs (she has many that lead to her car) and she went on & on about how nice that was. I was too depressed & resentful(because I couldn’t go out to take care of my business) then I somehow got on topic about there are no nice people & how I really haven’t experienced enough of it in my life and for any extended length of time. I have had one online friend show me kindness but I wanted more than what she could provide online friendships don’t do it for me, I need physical friendship. I then mentioned how depressed I was as a teen. And I didn’t even bring up how she would scream at me or threaten me with violence I intentionally left that alone & did not go there. As a rule one should never mention to a parent that abused them how sad their kid was because most parents that abuse their kids never admit to it later in life that is if your lucky enough to survive & not land in trouble once your older. I think its called gaslighting (google it) So that ended on a bad note.

That’s it for now. I’ve been living on pasta, instant ramen and cream of wheat. Most unbearable.

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Christmas Sucked!

Spent it alone,   you all out there just don’t realize just how good you have it with your friends, the person you lay in bed with at night, family.   Basically you make me sick.   I don’t have any of that!!   And I know that you all out there don’t wish to read something like this.    Too bad.   I f I could I would smack the taste out of your mouth. 

Nothing like spending A Christmas day alone to drive yo literally INSANE!   Bluntly!   I understand why people jump off of bridges, I really do.   Because this is a World that JUST DOESN’T CARE!!    But hey you all could care less because you think that it can’t happen to you right?   Let me try to express to you exactly HOW I FELT!   If you even care which I know you don’t.

It is the MOST hollow feeling in the whole wide world.   Your depressed ( and I take meds and have for 3 years) when you have no money its 1000% worse.    You all are so selfish do any of you even think to send a Christmas card to someone who IS ALL ALONE!  But of course you don’t.   You could care less.    People like you I hate!   You really do NOT think about someone who is really hurting do you?   Please take at LEAST SOME time to think about this.    Now excuse me while I lick my ever festering wounds:(

Got A Bone To Pick Again.

You Bourgeois  Families Please Practice Some Tolerance…REALLY I’m a Great Person IF You really take the time to stop with the intolerance!

 Thanksgiving!   That wonderful holiday where you get to sit around the table enjoying the family & friends…….NOT!   I don’t have that.   SO this year I volunteered my time at a Catholic Church soup kitchen serving the Thanksgiving day meal.    I had fun.    However I was a bit peeved by the behavior of a White Father who was having a panic over his little girl who was hanging up (or trying to she was too short to reach the hook on the wall) in a substandard area at the top of a stairwell.    It just so happens that I was in the same cramped area digging around for a pen to make notes.    Since this was my first year doing this volunteer work ( because in previous years I always seem to miss out due to there already being enough people to volunteer and I wait till the last minute.)   So this year I was able to volunteer.

Getting back to the overcrowded stairwell.   The little girl who was White & maybe 10 or 11 was struggling to hang up her coat.   I would have helped but in this day & age  I think not!     Well the little girls Father was all in a panic he yelled from the kitchen “Sarah you come out of there”!  Meaning the coat area.    I happen to be in there too.   I immediately noticed the panic in the mans voice.   It bothered me.   White men please stop acting nervous you all love to jump to conclusions over us Blacks.      I plan on having a discussion with the director over this issue and I know exactly what I will be discussing.   White Fathers if you are this nervous why bring your family to a homeless soup kitchen to begin with & just celebrate Thanksgiving at your home in Suburbia?    I also now know that I was the ONLY black person male or female who was among the 35 volunteers at the soup kitchen.   I know for a FACT that White men despise Black women.    I’m not stupid.    I tried to talk to my Mother but she cut me short as usual to say that she had to get back to her cooking.    I’m so sick & tired of how I’m treated and it’s going to end here.   I have a very awful feeling that I may end up like so many other  Blacks.     

For Women

This is for the women on how to basically stay safe.   As I write this it is early in the day.   Having just came from around the corner at the local convenience store I had a possible encounter with a creep who came out of an area full of foliage on the upper lever of the street were cars pass.  There were trees + foliage.   As I was walking I kept my eye on this guy, who by the way kept looking at me.   This guy walked ahead of me, but then all of a sudden HE turned around which mean’t that he possibly would have been walking behind me.   I simply did a counter move which was I stopped dead in my tracks to get a better look at what the guy who came out of the bushes was doing.    Low & behold I was right he WAS BEHIND me, and he was acting all nervous.   It was right then that I KNEW that he was possibly up to no good.   The move I made I learned from watching a spy movie a true life one at that.   This is one of the many tactics actual spies learn a counter move which is exactly what I did.  I just casually stood & sipped my latte watching the guy continue on down the street.   See women you’ve got to be on your toes out here cause people are looking for MARKS or TARGETS!    And this was 11:30AM  not at night just so you know.    Stay safe & stay sharp.

It’s Reared It’s Ugly Head!

Hate Arrived At my Building

This morning as I was going around the corner, it was 7:30AM I needed snacks for the van ride out to Church.  It was cold, brisk, and for some reason I had my head down scanning the ground.   I don’t particularly know why I was looking at the ground, perhaps it could have been that sometimes I will find something very disgusting and so I don’t wish to get anything on my shoes.   Just right outside the gate to the apartment that I live at I noticed a small white piece of paper.   First thing I noticed was the universal hate symbol of a Swastika favorite symbol of the ever so hateful Nazi’s!   The small note further had underneath it’s odious symbol the numbers 14, 88  which is a code you can look it up as I did on Google.     It’s disgusting and makes me want to vomit……ON THE WHITE SUPREMECISTS !!  I’ll tell you exactly whats on the note since I have it still, I haven’t yet thrown it away since I want to show it to the landlord as further proof.   The note said the following:  White Power with a Swastika along with the numbers 14 & 88  and just four words which were:  Hindrance, Counteraction, Defiance, Obstruction.   On the other side of the piece of paper was nothing but pre-printed advertisement Woodland Park Zoo which is on the North end and a capital W which is the symbol for the University of Washington, so the hateful scribe was written it seems on the back of a piece of raffle paper.   How poetic ( note my sarcasm)  Personally these F**kers need to be blown away but thats just my opinion.   This is my Country too.    Nothing like a sweet note to start your day off rightTHis morning as I was going around the corner, it was 7:30AM I needed snacks for the van ride out to Church.  It was cold, brisk, and for some reason I had my head down scanning the ground.   I don’t particularly know why I was looking at the ground, perhaps it could have been that sometimes I will find something very disgusting and so I don’t wish to get anything on my shoes.   Just right outside the gate to the apartment that I live at I noticed a small white piece of paper.   First thing I noticed was the universal hate symbol of a Swastika favorite symbol of the ever so hateful Nazi’s!   The small note further had underneath it’s odious symbol the numbers 14, 88  which is a code you can look it up as I did on Google.     It’s disgusting and makes me want to vomit……ON THE WHITE SUPREMECISTS !!  I’ll tell you exactly whats on the note since I have it still, I haven’t yet thrown it away since I want to show it to the landlord as further proof.   The note said the following:  White Power with a Swastika along with the numbers 14 & 88  and just four words which were:  Hindrance, Counteraction, Defiance, Obstruction.   On the other side of the piece of paper was nothing but pre-printed advertisement Woodland Park Zoo which is on the North end and a capital W which is the symbol for the University of Washington, so the hateful scribe was written it seems on the back of a piece of raffle paper.   How poetic ( note my sarcasm)  Personally these F**kers need to be blown away but thats just my opinion.   This is my Country too.    Nothing like a sweet note to start your day off right!

Trying To Figure Out My Career Path.

Okay for those of you who love to judge someone who maybe unemployed, what you really need to understand is the circumstances behind it.    For me in particular I’ve had no one who took any amount of time whatsoever to help me.   Understand?  I had no clue and it’s not like I had any kind of road map.   For a Black woman that road is a whole lot harder.   I had depression issues, manic depression issues and just about everyone & anyone didn’t care it’s as simple as that.  Add to that a Parent that passed away and I was basically set back!   In my journey, and let me tell you my journey was filled with not just speed bumps but land mines and all the while I’m getting your garden variety hate from your garden variety bigots yes that Racism that loves to rear it’s ugly head!!    I understand why incarceration rates among Black & Brown women are astronomical, Native women too.   I am looking on the employment website called Indeed.com I found a particular job that I think that I could be well suited for except it would call for me to study business which I’m okay with & learn another language I’m really smart heck I could probably learn to speak a couple of different ones.  However what gets to me everyday is how little no one gives a damn on how I feel.    It’s been this way my whole life.   Childhood, teen years, Adulthood.    It’s like people treat me like I’m some sort of peaseant!   or worse.   The oppression is horrible in this Country sometimes I feel as though instead of 2018 it’s like 1958!    It’s for that reason my one dream is to OWN my own business and although I don’t know how I’m going to do that it’s what I’m going to do!    Because let me clue you in on something:   I’ve never been treated fairly on any of the jobs I’ve had.   Hey, I can’t afford  to not face the truth the supervisors I’ve had were awful!   To give you one example and I’ll put this company on blast, I worked at a plastics manufacturing plant located in Ballard Wa.   I worked in the Clerical department were the woman supervisor was such a bitch.     I came in one morning to say “good morning”   She snapped at me “what have you got to be so happy about”?    Here is something I’ve noticed especially with some supervisors when you have a good attitude your slammed, if your angry it’s “see those blacks are always angry”   I ain’t making this up people.   Damned if you do damned if you don’t!     I wish I had that White privilege because being a Black woman is exhausting.   We’re placed right at the bottom .    We’re considered low, no one cares about us just check out the video I’ve pasted on here if you dare.    It gets worse still.   See when I grew up especially in California I didn’t have these kinds of problems.   I grew up in the 1970’s now it seems hip to hate.   No one gives a damn about Black women.    Don’t believe me go Google Charleena Lyles! and Sandra Bland just to name some.  For over 30 years trying to find employment, I get mean cold glares, volunteering at a place like the Life Long Aids Alliance nothing but prejudice.  Nothing like being treated like the lowest worm to build you up right? and this all happening LONG before Trump took to the White House.

Manic& All Alone How I Hate My Life

I’m at the height of rage right at this moment.   I hate this time of year.   I have no friends.

I have no partner and trust me I hate women these days so I don’t want one.   Men are even worse, wished I could afford a pet.

I’m so mad I see couples.    I see people driving around in nice cars.   I have no one to talk to cause no one understands.    It really sucks to be me right now.   Don’t know what to do either.

At least I get SOME comfort in knowing that someone at least bothers to read my blog.   Because I feel that it somehow validates me as a human being.   Because

Right now I don’t feel like much of one.   Dogs live better than I do.   I get tired of all the stereotyping, the hate and I do get that let me tell you.   I can’t seem to get that through some peoples thick heads just how hateful living here is.    Just last year I had a hateful incident happen and the woman was NON WHITE which makes it so bad.      I hate how everything is going.   I suffer more each day.   And I just don’t know what to do.

Veterans Story #2

This is a follow up to the first Veterans day blog, if you haven’t read it well you might want to.     I will continue on with my journey of a young female in the U.S. Army.   But first let me just say if I could do it all over again?   I would have really buckled down in my school work , got a tutor so I could have got better grades then tried to enroll into a military college not a civilian one but a military school like The Citadel.    But I didn’t know a thing about military colleges at the age of 18 or anything else for that matter.

So the group of us females arrive by bus at Fort Jackson South Carolina.   I don’t remember much except that when I saw who my drill instructors  I was pretty frightened.   One kind of looked like a Nazi and looked quite mean!   This guy I’ll call him Sargeant York ( like the movie ha ha)  had about 2-3 rows of ribbons on his Khaki uniform, an infantry badge, and a light blue braided rope looped under his armpit & attached on his shoulder.   I especially like the light blue braided rope unsure why.  Sargeant York also had a Ranger patch and at the time I didn’t know what that meant but I pretty much guessed that it was an elite bunch of men like the Green Berets ( I knew a little about Green Berets from the classic movie starring John Wayne).

Okay, here is what I remember from my time in basic training.   It was extremely difficult for me.   I cried a lot because I was extremely homesick!   Something I didn’t count on.   I cried so much the other girls in the dorm had to tell me to shut up with the racket.   I’m so glad that I didn’t get a blanket party over all the crying I did ( I’ll explain what that is later).

Wake time 3:30….AM! we had to keep our dorm neat & tidy, get our uniforms on, make our bunks MILITARY STYLE if your unsure go Google it, but the sheets had to have those hospital corners  & it had to be TIGHT!   The military has ZERO tolerance for sloth!   I was never a neat person.   I’m still not.   I have no idea how I made it, guess God was with me.    We ran EARLY in the morning before the sun was up for what seemed like endless miles in boots!   I think now the military recruits wear sneakers.   Lots of push ups which were painful because as a female I lack upper body strength like the men.   If you’ve ever seen the movie starring Richard Gere “An Officer & A Gentleman”  (great movie)  there is a scene were the one female is really in a lot of pain & struggling just to push out ONE PUSH UP!  That is real folks it’s awful.   But notice how Richard Gere & his buddy Sid Worley pump out the push ups & they seem to be have little to no problem.  

I remember a lot of emotional abuse, yelling, the drill instructors always tell recruits something like “you are the sorriest bunch, that I’ve ever seen”  .   More running, I really don’t remember much except for weapons training which scared me since I never handled a weapon in my life up until that point.    I handled an machine gun I can’t remember the model but it was heavy & you really had to know what you were doing because that behemoth of a machine will take on a life of it’s own if you weren’t careful.   They were not easy to handle, I have to give major props to our boys that handled one of these babies in wartime.   Not easy.   There were a few issues I did have.    The handling of a LIVE GRENADE we did wear flack vests and we were given good instruction however listening in class & actually performing the task?  Two different things.    First I was so afraid that I might drop the grenade.   If I did well that’s all she wrote.   I might lose an arm or worse.   Luckily

nothing like that happened I followed the drill instructors lesson to the T.   Another issue K.P.    Otherwise known as Kitchen Patrol I think.   Well whatever it stood for during the time I did basic recruits were required to pull this which mean’t you had to get up even earlier & get down to the kitchen to wash, wash, and wash PILES OF THE MOST DISGUSTING POTS & PANS which seemed as high as a mountain.   I don’t lie.   If this was to build character in me than I must have enough for 10 lifetimes.   To this day everyone I hate washing dishes, I will have to displine myself better but all I can say is thank the lord for dishwashers!    Another was pulling guard duty inside the dorm known as “Fire Watch”  I hated that, and some of the other girls took advantage of lights out to sneaks guys in.   Of course I couldn’t say anything want to know why?  I would get the snot beat out of me in the dorm as I slept otherwise known as the infamous blanket party and friends it’s real go & check out the movie Full Metal Jacket were they gave one to an over weight guy in the movie played by Vincent D’onforio (might be spelled wrong)  and you’ll understand.   It’s scary.   I’m by the book.  But not this time I wasn’t going to be. 

Alright my friends my hands ache.  To be continued next blog Veterans day #3 I’m writing a series.