My end of year memories are as follows:
First Christmas in Seattle & the first year that I was back with my Mother after having spent 4 of the most hellish years with my Biological Father & his odious 2nd Wife, I developed chronic depression. My Mother & I were in our first apartment, were she was putting up an artificial tree. She was dressed kind of low class cut off shorts, halter top & red bandana. She was mad that I wasn’t in a more festive mood I was 12 a vulnerable child for goodness sakes!
So this is what she said to me in a voice filled with venom, I’ll never forget it.
Mom said: ‘you know when things don’t go the way I want them to, I just say fuck it’. Wow! I didn’t need to hear that. So much for nurturing.
One year I won’t tell you what year it was, I was supposed to go enroll for my high school fall sophomore classes. But first Mom drops me off at a small independently owned shop that was run by two much older & somewhat hardened looking women. I was 15.
My hair all finished I go to wait for Mom outside, I waited for hours. I guess she forgot to pick me up? Or perhaps she was getting high & forgot she was seeing someone who smoked weed. And yes I hate that stuff. Anyway this was before cell phones, I didn’t have any money to go to a pay phone or to even catch a bus. I was too scared to go back in to that beauty shop because the women inside scared me. They looked pretty rough ( unlike what hair dressers are supposed to look like pretty & feminine). So I ended up walking something like 2 miles from Rainier & Geneseee all the way to 8th Avenue South to get to my school, I was late for the sophomore orientation. Back then you began high school in 10th grade not 9th. My hair was a mess & I sweated through my blouse. I felt gross.
While I was home from the Military I had one month leave before I flew overseas to Germany. It seemed that Mom could have cared less. On my last night I was at her house do you know what she did? Instead of us going out, she went inside her bedroom, closed the door & didn’t come out until it was time to take me to the airport.
I was 13 one summer and I was over at my cousins place. We were playing & I was having a blast. My Mom came to pick me up. I simply didn’t want to go just yet & she didn’t like that. And OMG on the drive home Mom screamed at me her displeasure. I’m so surprised that we didn’t get into an accident. God was watching it seems. Because as anyone knows you never, ever get behind the wheel of a car when your angry.
Two more painful memories:
Mr Hayes was my 8th grade music Teacher. I didn’t know how to play an instrument but somehow I was placed in the music class. Why? No idea.
So one day after class I approach Mr Hayes to express interest in playing in a band.
Mr Hayes: Well do you play an instrument?
Mr Hayes: Then I’m sorry you can’t be in the band.
I was 13 at the time. Mr Hayes was a jerk! He didn’t even make a premise of encouraging me to learn or seeing to it about HOW I could get lessons! Now in the 21st Century young kids get encouraged to learn music even to the point of having FREE music instruments DONATED to them! Wow! Mr Hayes? Go to Hell!
Girl I grew up with is dead. She died at 30 (or 29) Brain aneurysm but I suspect there was more to it. But when Pop was alive that was all he told me. There are other gruesome details that Pop told me but I don’t want to write that down here. I’ll save it for the shrink. It’s bad.
I would love some Christmas greetings from anyone. Just thought I’d put that out there in cyberspace.
And there’s more I keep adding to the list:
From the age of 8 years old until I was 12 years old my Father & his 2nd Wife at the time kept me away from my Mother.
What that means everyone is that:
1. I missed birthdays with my Mother
2. I missed Christmas’ & Thanksgivings
3. Easter holidays
When I was taken away all of my toys were left behind to include a coveted lunch box. H.R. Puffinstuff an old Saturday morning tv show.
I was basically stripped of everything.
And no one seemed to care how it affected me. I can’t begin to tell you the enormous inner pain. I wanted to die. For a child? Unbearable is an understatement. I’m triggered looking at homes on online real estate websites. The holidays are the worse. I’ve never had a good holiday.
Last nice holiday? I was 5.
On one Christmas holiday at this particular year it was Mom her boyfriend ( who would later become her husband …UGH) we all shared a 2 bedroom duplex. That year I worked as a vendor for a sports stadium sold peanuts, soda. Well I saved a little money to buy the boyfriend a cologne set.
And it wasn’t cheap either. I bought it at Macy’s. I remember even the woman behind the counter was impressed at how thoughtful I was. Wished that more people thought that way of me, because I sure don’t seem to garner hardly any positive nor nurturing attention. Hey look at me I’m a potted plant no one notices!
So I go to present the gift to Mom’s boyfriend. He liked to drink….ALOT! His reaction was not what I had expected. He was angry at me.
Accused me of expecting a gift in return. I believe his exact words were:
“And I expect you’ll be expecting a gift from me”. When actually the thought never occurred to me.
Mom was so infuriated this is what happened.
I went to my bedroom very hurt.
Before I could process just what had happened? I heard a loud CRASH! which scared me.
I come out of my bedroom through the living room and the kitchen was directly connected ( small duplex) to see the small dining room table completely turned over and food was strewn everywhere!
It was a complete & utter mess. Mom was infuriated with how her stupid boyfriend treated me. Only time I can remember Mom ever standing up for me. I know that I was surprised. Because people have been abusing me for as long as I could remember. That year I was 15 or 16.
One year it was in the 1990’s I can’t remember what year it was a very hot summer here in Seattle. I didn’t have any close friends or any friends that year. I attempted to go to a women’s group meeting that met twice a month. Well guess what? The women’s group fell through i.e. flaked so I had made a long trip on the bus for nothing. I didn’t come prepared, it was hot & I was thirsty. With no other stores anywhere around I went directly across the street was a Cajun style restaurant owned by two chefs who also were twin sisters. I walk in & politely ask for a glass of water. And do you know that one of the sisters gave me such a look of comtempt or a dirty look, when all I wanted was water & it was very hot outside. I happen to remember this because I’m looking up a school in Colorado in culinary & restaurant management. Here in Seattle you can expect to be treated like dirt especially if your a black woman, I feel had it been ANYONE else say a White person or perhaps a local celebrity like say one of the Seattle Seahawks it would have been a different story. Anywhere else I would have been obliged. Hope the sisters lost their business cause that was sooooo rude. Seattle is one of THE MOST rudest cities in which to live. I’d rather go back to Los Angeles.
You know I try & try but men can be such selfish immature children. I’m talking about GROWN MEN! It’s why I don’t like them much. Were are the real men? Because I’ve never known any in my life and it sure doesn’t look like its getting any better. From my late Father, now 2 step fathers and not to mention the scores of men out there who abandon their Women & children, even beating them. Add to that the racism & injustice I feel and Christmas is just another day which I loathe.