My well of faith is pretty damn dry people! Today was a bad one. Had another arguement with my Mother. I don’t vote anymore. Why should I? I mean I’m hated, looked at like I’m no better than horse shit, last time I bothered to vote it sucked. Plus I have so many other issues. No relationship, still no love of my life. That ain’t happening.
No career, no assets, no money, and I often feel like that cartoon in the Charles Atlas comic strip ads were the skinny guy gets the sand kicked in his face. Does anyone remember that ? You could Google it if you don’t know what I’m talking about. However for the Charles Atlas underdog? He did work out alot to get that muscle toned bod then went back to that same beach to kick sand right back to the same thug who did it to him. I never forgot that story everyone! Oh how I wish I could become that person!
I’m still falling on my ass it seems! What to do, what to do. I have both short term goals & long term ones. Problem? having those come to fruition, setting them into motion. And without ANYONE in my corner. What? so do I now resort to imaginery friends? I really will seem like I’ve gone & lost my mind! No one seems to respect me.
I have a Mother who without even consulting me is sending me a religious booklet called the Daily Word. I don’t like people going behind my back. I don’t like people sending me things unless its something I actually want. Mom did the same thing when she bought me a Bible when I never asked for one. I didn’t too much care for that! I don’t even know how to read nor understand the damn thing. Least you could do if your buying me a Bible is to hook me up with some kind of Bible study with others. But thats her. She just doesn’t care about what I think.
I did try to call a religious number but the lady seemed like she didn’t want to be bothered. Her voice a complete MONOTONE. I miss the days of when I would talk with my former therapist N. She ALWAYS was glad to talk to me, she was always happy to talk to me, and she was always happy. I’ve never , ever, experianced that.
Just don’t know what I’m going to do. Covid-19 makes it kind of worse what with no money, don’t even know how to scan a resume or upload one. I’m so far behind the curve it isn’t funny.
Anyone understanding this what I’m saying?
Hi everyone, this is an additon or update. Talked with my Mother although she was pretty rough with me verbally. Says I’m negative. Well that may be, however one has to ask oneself how did I get this way? See everyone, I’ve always had a very good morale compass going all the way back to childhood, which wasn’t very easy when you’ve experianced the following:
Physically abused since age 5.
Verbally abused and this includes being screamed at & peppered with the F-bomb at a very young age ( I was a sensitive child you never talk to a child like that or anyone else for that matter)
Neglected. Example your an underage minor child your home from school when your only parent who comes home from work doesn’t even bother to ask how school was, nor is there ANY form of communication such example would be:
Daughter, I’m tired give me a few hours then come up to my room & we could talk.
Or something to that effect. Nope. Nada. Zip.
It was worse than being a latch key kid.
So my behavior was learned. I just haven’t learned how to UNLEARN it. Because think about this everyone reading. Here I once was a happy, carefree kid, who had friends, knew how to socialize ( just didn’t care much for school) then Mother pretty much destroyed all that with the constant verbal (extreme verbal) abuse + more. I wish I were Superman, but sadly I’m only but a mere human. I just don’t appreciate the hypocrisy coming from Mom’s is all. My God what is it with these abusive parents & not owning up to their shit!
The above paragraph I just typed was basically said to me in a session with former therapist N. And I’m not a negative person either. What gets to me is I had to put up with so much crap as a pre-teen & teen from a mean single parent that NOW I am to blame because I’m not a Polly Anna. Worse the same person isn’t exactly honest with HOW she got raised, which was by a loving Mother ( My Mom’s Mom) who saw to it that she got what she needed. My own Grandmother. Mom sure missed the love & nuturing boat with me. All I saw was cruel & unusual punishment.
Aaah will there be a light at the of this very dark tunnel??