More Horrors 4th Of July 2020

High piercing whistles in the sky, car alarms (several of them) all going off at once, Heavy sounds BOOM reverberate shaking the night sky, mixed in with what seemed to be a semi automatic weapon as I watched out of my 5th floor window I saw bright light flashes resembling gunfire ( I served in the military, I’ve done the war games with live ammo so it looked very familiar).

All extremely intense & nonstop FOR SEVERAL HOURS! From 7PM-12:30AM! It sounded like a damn war zone. The fireworks were coming from every direction. From across the apartment ( the next door adjoining property) , the vacant lot across the street in the other direction from my apartment building, then in another direction.

All screaming LOUD! It was maddening! I hated it.

Hope not to be at this lousy building next year.

You all are dopes for doing this sort of thing.

Follow Up. Reasons I hate 4th Of July.

Very recently friends, I wrote a blog about how lonely the 4th of July is for me. Today is the 4th of July and after returning from a store run from Walgreens, hearing all kinds of racket, cursing like a sailor I’ve come to one conclusion.

I hate this Mother ****er! These backwards hicks were I live just don’t even wait until it gets dark before setting off the fireworks! Now thats all kinds of retarded! Don’t know about the rest of you out there but the public fireworks that is thrown by Ivar’s Acre’s of Clam’s and one other major fireworks show here in the awful Pacific Northwest has been cancelled. Although there are SOME things I like about this holiday friends and those are:

The backyard barbeques ( yes lord)

Playing spades with the relatives ( they live thousands of miles away unfortunately)

And the old school music on my cousins reel to reel ( which amounts to endless good music)

The fireworks I just hate!

Now when it comes to the Chinese New Year festivities that one were they have the dragon dance (always loved it since I was 13) I don’t mind the firecrackers because it FITS in with the Chinese culture! I guess it should since I’m quite sure these wonderful people invented them?

However friends its those rocket launchers? I believe that they are called M-880’s they sound like a canon! Or a shotgun it’s very LOUD! Like what an explosion would sound like. I mean I keep thinking that I should hit the freaking deck. There is a one second or several second delay inside my brain that gets scared. You know what? No wonder dogs get FREAKED OUT! I’m a human and it freaks me out!

I have complex PTSD. I think its because I grew up around some gunfire. Plus I had a StepFather when I was a kid who was a former U.S. Marine & combat vet, so he would be given to fire off his rifles. Luckily when I was a kid who was always left home alone & I mean I was YOUNG I would come across his rifle while it would still be in his leather case inside His & Mom’s master bedroom closet. Luckily, I had sense enough not to touch it. Didn’t want to catch a whooping for one thing & perhaps the other I didn’t want to shoot myself!

I don’t know what Independance day means for you all. I feel that its full of hypocrisy myself I mean I’m African American. I only like it cause its a good excuse to light up the grill & picnic it’s what I remember doing as a kid.

I learned on the news how Mr. Trump is doing his speech on Mt. Rushmore ( No, I don’t like him in case your wondering I’m many things but a sell out I’m not). I learned that Mt. Rushmore is built on STOLEN Native American soil. I believe it. Yet more ignorance as well as major arrogance! I made a mental note to study not only my own culture but that of the Native American people. That made me mad when I learned that.

So, in conclusion I ain’t a happy camper. Covid-19 still rages on, I learned that Native Americans were screwed, and I’m now a nervous wreck. I feel as though I could chug a pint of vodka at this point.

Stay safe, don’t blow off any appendages, and to my Native brothers & Sisters I’m in solidarity with you.

Amen.

Another 4th Of July Alone & It’s Not Fun!

Welcome to my world people. It is the umpteenth year in a row were I’m all alone in the apt without no family or friends to spend the 4th with and it truly sucks! I’m all about the barbeque in the backyard ( if I had a backyard) playing music and having fun. Sadly fun is SORELY lacking for me. Last time I had any real fun was the 1990’s when I hung out with my Step brother & his boyfriend at the time. That year I was in Los Angeles and as you all know there’s lots to do there. My favorite part of L.A. is Universal City.

Now fast forward, and its so god damned dull. I made the mistake of calling my Mother the Queen of ZERO FUN! She was SO dull. Doesn’t even make a pretense of doing anything!

I said to her that some families are having fun by buying their own fireworks then lighting them up. All she did was say in her dullest driest tone “Well they’re not supposed to do that”. The Devil sure robbed her of her soul because Mom is extremely lifeless on the inside. And its sooooo depressing. I said to Mom “well some people are taking off to the Oregon Coast for the 4th” Her response:

“Well thats nice if you can do that sort of thing without getting sick”. Why do I even bother? Getting my tooth extracted would be less painful. It’s like she has given up on life.

I’m kind of depressed. Because there is a HUGE void of happiness inside of me that has existed for many years. I’ve forgotten what joy even feels like.

So, like I say every year those of you lucky enough to have family or friends or a lover that your spending the fourth with please think of me & say a silent prayer that some sunshine comes & makes a breakthrough in my dark depressing tunnel.

The Young Lady Ft. Hood Soldier

I’m a military veteran, having served 4 torturous years in Uncle Sam’s Army. I’ve been out for many years. Usually I equate my brief military stint with the childhood issues. Simply put, I try to forget about it. Why? Because my friends it was a very painful time in my life ( among many). While puttering about in my apartment at an attempt to straighten it up I had the TV on. I had it on the only news channel that I get on my antenna.

The news, the latest news was about the very beautiful attractive Latina woman who served in the U.S. Army out in Ft. Hood Texas. She is dead. That really hurt me. This woman, whose name I don’t remember had her whole life ahead of her, and now she’s gone. If I weren’t so shut down I would have broke down & sobbed. I wanted to. But somehow I couldn’t. This beautiful young woman is too young to be dead. Just from her pictures I saw on the news my heart just went out to her.

The female soldier, complained of sexual harrassment. While I served I suffered sexual harrassment many years earlier in fact this young woman wasn’t even born yet.

Somehow I felt degraded. I felt less than. I felt stupid. I somehow felt that it was my fault, I mean after all people all I wanted to do was LEARN how to grow up & be an adult instead of flipping burgers. Since I had no Father around, a Mother who barely acknowledged my existence I had felt that I made the right choice.

I’m angry! Very angry! We as women are not damn sex objects! Some of you men, if an attractive woman says no, then you need to move on. Remember, it is up to you to grow up & be a mature man. If that is somehow a problem then there are scores of professional therapists that can help you. Or look elsewhere. Remember OBSESSION is NOT LOVE. Love is when two mature adults feel THE SAME WAY about each other. Being brushed off or rejected is all a part of our growth people. Men some of you need some schooling on that one. The day of the cave man were you club a woman over the head to take her has went the way of the extinct dinosaur. I think that some men (not all) forget that. You can’t control a woman.

It would seem to me friends that NOTHING has changed for women in the military.

My advice to my sisters Black, Latina, White etc is this: If you feel you really want to be in the military my strong advise to all of you reading this is to go to college first! Take ROTC then get commissioned as an officer. Those military academies such as Westpoint, Naval, etc are extremely difficult to get into. If those places are your dream then get cracking at the books & get involved in sports. But college + ROTC is your best bet.

Try to avoid becoming an enlisted ( Google it up) were you go in as a private. I just wouldn’t recommend it. And if you have a partner, spouse I would stay with them because the military is full of sexual predators the majority will chew you up then spit you out , or much worse. That young Latina female soldier it was worse. I’m just saying. I know I’ve been there. Young women out there get lots of consultations & advise from other female veterans. If you don’t know where to find them, try to find some. Then pick your military job with great care ! Steer clear from the predominantly all male jobs! Be very choosy in this area because remember you’ll be spending the majority of your military stint ( or career) doing this.

Jobs like: Infantry, Calvary (tank divisions) = NOPE don’t even consider.

I’m a military veteran.

And OMG did I pay a heavy price. But I’m still alive, and that poor young lady is not. And I feel so terribly sorry for that girls family. That Bastard who took her life than took his own life was a COWARD! He couldn’t even be a real man. Women learn some self defense or get a concealed permit + gun. But mostly learn some SELF DEFENSE!

Hate all the hypocrisy!

Pride? What is there to be prideful for? I’ve suffered & been hurt deeply by others who could have cared less about me! AND! It’s happened over & over & over. When I do really like someone it’s usually someone I can never have want to know why people? Usually, that person is ALREADY TAKEN! So married. And you all know I’m paid attention to even LESS! Don’t think it will happen people! I deserve to be happy but sadly what few people who now come my way are not what I want. I mean if your gonna lay up with someone it should be someone you want right?

And guess what? I usually attract the most toxic neediest people on the planet. Or the creeps who love to follow me around the damn grocery store. I never attract the QUALITY types and you all know what I mean. Now we’re talking double digits people and the well is dry! NOTHING! I’ve had what I can call a very disadvantaged life marred with everything BAD!

It sucks! I do know what I want, however sadly I’m afraid that the love of my life whoever that may be will sadly never be. I’m quite good at separating the wheat from the chafe. If you don’t know that saying go Google it up! And do you think this is easy? then think again. I really didn’t want to ever end up like I am which is:

Poor i.e. living below the poverty line.

Living a very spartan lifestyle

No friends, no romantic prospects

The romantic propects will never happen I’m afraid that I’m going to die alone. Don’t know how I’ll manage that one. Perhaps I could save money to go to Switzerland but wait

with Covid 19 that seems impossible!

I’m screwed.

Will anyone pray for me, cause I’m sure depressed & at an all time low .

Oh, and no one pays me ANY attention except for the toxic weirdos who I don’t want paying me any attention.

Good night!

I’m such a failure! Can’t meet the right love, I’m a failure!

Will My Life Get Any Better?

My well of faith is pretty damn dry people! Today was a bad one. Had another arguement with my Mother. I don’t vote anymore. Why should I? I mean I’m hated, looked at like I’m no better than horse shit, last time I bothered to vote it sucked. Plus I have so many other issues. No relationship, still no love of my life. That ain’t happening.

No career, no assets, no money, and I often feel like that cartoon in the Charles Atlas comic strip ads were the skinny guy gets the sand kicked in his face. Does anyone remember that ? You could Google it if you don’t know what I’m talking about. However for the Charles Atlas underdog? He did work out alot to get that muscle toned bod then went back to that same beach to kick sand right back to the same thug who did it to him. I never forgot that story everyone! Oh how I wish I could become that person!

I’m still falling on my ass it seems! What to do, what to do. I have both short term goals & long term ones. Problem? having those come to fruition, setting them into motion. And without ANYONE in my corner. What? so do I now resort to imaginery friends? I really will seem like I’ve gone & lost my mind! No one seems to respect me.

I have a Mother who without even consulting me is sending me a religious booklet called the Daily Word. I don’t like people going behind my back. I don’t like people sending me things unless its something I actually want. Mom did the same thing when she bought me a Bible when I never asked for one. I didn’t too much care for that! I don’t even know how to read nor understand the damn thing. Least you could do if your buying me a Bible is to hook me up with some kind of Bible study with others. But thats her. She just doesn’t care about what I think.

I did try to call a religious number but the lady seemed like she didn’t want to be bothered. Her voice a complete MONOTONE. I miss the days of when I would talk with my former therapist N. She ALWAYS was glad to talk to me, she was always happy to talk to me, and she was always happy. I’ve never , ever, experianced that.

Just don’t know what I’m going to do. Covid-19 makes it kind of worse what with no money, don’t even know how to scan a resume or upload one. I’m so far behind the curve it isn’t funny.

Anyone understanding this what I’m saying?

Hi everyone, this is an additon or update. Talked with my Mother although she was pretty rough with me verbally. Says I’m negative. Well that may be, however one has to ask oneself how did I get this way? See everyone, I’ve always had a very good morale compass going all the way back to childhood, which wasn’t very easy when you’ve experianced the following:

Physically abused since age 5.

Verbally abused and this includes being screamed at & peppered with the F-bomb at a very young age ( I was a sensitive child you never talk to a child like that or anyone else for that matter)

Neglected. Example your an underage minor child your home from school when your only parent who comes home from work doesn’t even bother to ask how school was, nor is there ANY form of communication such example would be:

Daughter, I’m tired give me a few hours then come up to my room & we could talk.

Or something to that effect. Nope. Nada. Zip.

It was worse than being a latch key kid.

So my behavior was learned. I just haven’t learned how to UNLEARN it. Because think about this everyone reading. Here I once was a happy, carefree kid, who had friends, knew how to socialize ( just didn’t care much for school) then Mother pretty much destroyed all that with the constant verbal (extreme verbal) abuse + more. I wish I were Superman, but sadly I’m only but a mere human. I just don’t appreciate the hypocrisy coming from Mom’s is all. My God what is it with these abusive parents & not owning up to their shit!

The above paragraph I just typed was basically said to me in a session with former therapist N. And I’m not a negative person either. What gets to me is I had to put up with so much crap as a pre-teen & teen from a mean single parent that NOW I am to blame because I’m not a Polly Anna. Worse the same person isn’t exactly honest with HOW she got raised, which was by a loving Mother ( My Mom’s Mom) who saw to it that she got what she needed. My own Grandmother. Mom sure missed the love & nuturing boat with me. All I saw was cruel & unusual punishment.

Aaah will there be a light at the of this very dark tunnel??

Sexually frustrated!

Because I am extremely selective. The ones I wouldn’t mind sleeping with seems that they’re already taken. I’m never, ever lucky in the damn romance department! And the few that take an interest are the same ones I don’t want. The desparate, the needy, clingy, the mentally unstable ( plenty of those, I had one who stalked me. So I had to move into a shelter it got so bad)

and the incredibly insipid. Nope don’t want you if your that! And let me say that attractive people have a difficult time too I’m not drop dead gorgeous but I’m slimming down & don’t look too bad. Especially African American women. I hate it. I’ve only had 5 sexual partners counted on one hand. A long, long time ago! So I guess I’ll be single forever. I’m treated like I’m totally invisible. At this point I would take a temporary fling for a few months. But I’m not even that lucky.

I don’t expect a very long life expectancy if this keeps up either. No family to speak of, lack of any intelligent people to talk to, or just an occasional dinner or something. I feel like a very dry well without any drop of water inside of it, or that person you see in the movies walking miles & miles in the desert for that drop of water, and you have me.

Prison inmates seem to fair better at least some of them received love letters, and check this out quite a few of them even find wives! In Prison! Did you all know that there is a stigma for those of us that have been single for long periods of time? It would seem that those of us who seem romatically challenged are viewed as freaks! Grrrreat! like I already didn’t feel bad enough about myself now I’m a living breathing STIGMA! So why not ship me off to some island like the lepers ( I think it was in the bible)

For those of you out there like myself I wish I could give you some sort of encouragement but sadly I need what little I have for myself. So I just remember the times when I went to A.A. and those slogans.

One day at a time. But those one day’s have added up to many thousands for me.

Good night!

I’M Not At All Impressed.

Racial injustice is a daily, daily occurance. I often ask myself why are people just now waking up to all of this? This is something that truly bothers me. When I’ve experianced discrimination & racial injustice going back to the 1990’s ( and from people that were of the same ethnicity who were in power!) to what happened in 2010 with a White woman on a public bus, then in 2017 12 days before Christmas from a 2nd generation immigrant screaming racial slurs!

I ask again, why all of a sudden the outcry?

I deal with racial injustice everyday.

I see racial injustice everyday.

Say Word press friends let me tell you of the time when one summer I was walking down the street one warm summer day only to look to my left & see a bunch of rednecks riding in a truck with a huge rebel flag that was flapping in the wind! That was in Burien Washington. Now picture seeing that walking all alone as a Black woman. Frightening!

I half expected to see those same cretins pull out shot guns. Do any of you understand what I’m saying here? I’m guessing no. I always, always worry about my safety. I am vulnerable because I have no family here that I can run to. My Mother doesn’t really care she just stays depressed & passive. My Father is dead ( he wasn’t much use alive) and I have no other people. It’s depressing.

I am still hurt to this day that no one on that Sound transit bus route # 545 heading towards Redmond WA. August 6, 2010 didn’t bother to stand with me in solidarity.

THAT! was a pretty frightening day for me, and its scarred me to this day! I even have to question the motives of all those people out there protesting. Do they even understand what they’re protesting about? Honey, I live with the hatefulness every single day. Women get the worst of it. I even get the hate coming from my Mothers current Husband who is African American. He can’t stand strong black women. I’m quite sure if him & I were alone in a room without witnesses? He would hurt me bad! I do know that about him. I’ve experianced his mean streak only just last year.

It’s time to put all this protest to rest, let the family grieve & get a very hefty lawsuit from the Minneapolis P.D. and focus on healing & not hating. White people & those immigrants pls refrain from ANY hateful speech towards African Americans. We all need to live peacefully among one another.

And THIS ladies & gentlemen is another Public Service Announcement! (PSA)

From A Black Womans Perspective

For the first time in months I decided to attach my attenna back into my tv to watch the news. Now, there is all kinds of protests which are good, but there is looting which is extremely & STUPID! Setting fires to cars? Do you NOT know that a car can & will EXPLODE on you! Hello? There are some really ignorant people. Destroying other peoples property does NOT bring change. I’m a Black woman people so I know. I have some questions for everyone protesting both black & white. Racial indignity should be a daily thing & NOT when a grown man is murdered at the hands of a police officer.

I’ve been called a NIGGER. It was screamed at me at a pitch so high that the persons voice cracked. And it was screamed at me MULTIPLE TIMES along with threats of being physically harmed by a stabbing of the knife to my body. All this happened in the middle of the day on a public bus the BUS was completely crowded as people were coming home from work that day. That year was 2010 it was August 10th and I was on my way to a karate class. No one did a damned thing! I was left standing in the middle of the bus in total shock afraid for my life like a deer caught in the head lamps! Were was the public out cry then?? That woman could have stabbed me dead right were I stood. Shit! there was no one who did anything. Thanks bus crowd on route 545 August 6, 2010. I now carry weapons on me. Multiple weapons.

Not even police did anything. Their response? “Oh we know this person”. And as I was later to find out many years later when I spoke with that city’s police dept chief of police this woman has had multiple run in’s with the law since she was 8 or 9 years of age. Yes! since that young! And guess what? She sure isn’t black I can tell you that! In fact I’m not sure what she exactly is but an ugly pug of a so called woman real young a baby dyke & extremely ugly complete with a set of jowls!

Were is justice for Black people I wonder? See, Blacks have had to endure so much torture for hundreds of years, but especially since way back in the 1960’s.

I only find it so curious when now people are all up in arms that it takes a poor Black mans murder & others before him and let me say people the names are adding up so fast that I can’t name them all. THAT IS A TRAGEDY! And not just men but women too everyone. Charlena Lyles of Sandpoint WA. SHOT by a Seattle police officer. And pay attention to what I’m telling you it isn’t just grown Black men getting murdered, but Black women ( one incident happened to a Chicago woman who was hanging out with her friends in a park when the cop I believe was acquitted for that crime) but young boys as well dating back to the 60’s. A radical 1960’s group called The Weather Underground retaliated by setting off a bomb in a building you’ll have to go to Google to get more details on the story. There is a documentary about them is how I even know about the group they did many more retaliatory strikes as they were strongly against war & primarily racism . I now worry about my safety. My Mother is worried about my safety & we have our problems, but she worries what MAY happen. No one is more worried than me.

Sandra Bland. Who was pulled over for allegedly having something wrong with one of her car’s tail lights. What should have been a citation or ticket turned into a brutal manhandling by a police officer (HA) then illegally, thrown into police custody and while there she died. Anyone remember her? (Take a watch at her video if its still on Y.T.)

I just want to say, that as African Americans living in the U.S.A. we don’t live free. This everyone is just a new version of Jim Crow.

So, when you see injustice don’t just stand there, STAND UP! Don’t just sit there what everyone ought to do is don’t tolerate injustice & intolerance. It’s all a major crime however no one REALLY WAKES UP UNTIL SOMEONE video tapes a grown black mans murder over a cell phone. Many of you just don’t know or just aren’t awake that this sort of thing Black men, Black boys, Black women & girls who have been getting murdered for generations is nothing new. It seems that very FEW people even know about Black history! It’s why most times I have little patience with people. Watch the last scene in Spike Lee’s 1980’s movie School Daze. When Laurence Fishburne says WAKE UP! Everyone really needs to WAKE UP & stop staying sleep.

THIS has been a public service announcement!