I Live In A World That Hates How I Look

This was triggered because I went onto Google to ask the question “Why Do People Hate Black Women”? And everyone Black women are hated! There is a published book on just such a subject that is on Amazon. WOW! and other groups say they get HATE? I’m sorry but people Black women get the worst of it. I saw it right there in the print.

Oh, and it gets worse when I scrolled down onto the Amazon page for the reviews of this book ( I don’t remember the title b/c I had to exit that page I was so infuriated) I got to read stuff like: Black women are whores, Black women are hateful ( so untrue ) That your better off looking to other races for a quality woman. Reading the reviews made my stomach turn! I did report this review as being abusive to Amazon. I sure did.

But people let me step outside of myself for a minute to give you a rundown on myself who is a Black woman.

I was shy, sensitive, cried at the drop of a hat. However I grew up in a house marred in violence watching my own Mother get beat to a pulp constantly for any little thing! At 8 years of age I’m taken away from my lovely Mother who I just adored! To go live with a lame brain Father & his not so attractive Wife. He was like a child living in a man’s body.

Now everyone THINK about how that would make a little girl feel. To put it mildly I felt as though my insides were being ripped apart from the inside out. Add to that people I’m physically abused, molested, I’m being interrogated just like on those police shows with the exception that on those police shows THOSE SUSPECTS ARE TREATED MORE HUMANELY! I’m a child. And the punishments go On & on everyone. Being made to go to my room getting into bed, then drawing ALL THE WINDOW SHADES.

Now people I don’t write this to get on a soap box but I’m just sharing all of the most painful parts of my childhood to show you why Black women seem somewhat unhappy. Oh, and don’t forget Black women , black girls are SEXUALLY EXPLOITED and I was.

I feel that the majority of society are real unfair. Stop hating on Black women.

Alright I get it! I’m hated but you know what? I’ll still continue to stand up for myself & God willing get married and guess what? Theres a flip side to that coin. I won’t be looking for someone of the same ethnicity! Remember the old saying when you point the finger you have three others pointing back AT YOU! Stay strong Black women. Stop the damn hate please!

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I Want To Move Out Of Washington TO Another State But How?

With about 5 months to go on my current apartment lease to a place that I absolutely loath due to the management + creepy tenants, I want OUT of Washington state!

I have my desired place narrowed down to two states. Two because One of the states offers what I think is free job training to get me employed. I am on Federal assistance. I have to tell you everyone it really isn’t easy trying to find your way when your all alone & your a woman. Think about that for awhile if your having a hard time comprehending this.

I realize that if I don’t decide on making some moves ANY MOVES I could die! I don’t really have family except a very passive elderly Mother who really doesn’t spend much time with me. I don’t live with her. And there really isn’t any or reason to stay in this wretched state of Washington! I think that the last straw was the angry woman who cut in line in front of me at the local Walgreens. That woman was so totally disrespectful to the end! to include following me to a bus stop then leaning OUT OF HER OWN CAR DOOR to scream more obscenities at me.

It boils down to this: I’m just tired of how I’m treated here! The racial hate that dates back to 2010 when I rode a bus out to a suburb to go to Tae Kwon Do and let me tell you it was the MOST traumatizing experience.

Then in 2017 there was an immigrant woman who SCREAMED, then KICKED, then PUNCHED my apartment door all the while SCREAMING RACIAL SLURS through my door! And if that wasn’t enough she further threatened with the following: She said “you don’t know who I know”. Which I took to mean that she knew dangerous gangs that could possibly harm me. I knew very well what she meant! And that really frightened me so much so that my landlord at the time allowed me to break my lease ( her idea BTW) and I moved out of my apartment within a months time but while that happened I carried a knife, taser, on my person in the event I would get attacked.

And you know all the years I’ve lived in Washington I’ve been treated worse than a dog! Dogs are treated better here. Discrimination runs so rampant here that it should be considered a disease. It’s endemic!

Unsure how I’ll go about doing any of this or where to start. I want to go to school & maybe live on campus. If I can’t do that than maybe live in the Oxford house a sober living home. I just don’t know at this time. I will not

disclose were I want to move. Nope. That’s a secret. All I know is that I sure do deserve to be happy because right now I’m absolutely miserable. I hate the miserable people, the crime, the miserable people. Looking forward to a welcoming community. This is new for me. Because I don’t know what I’m doing.

Let Me Clear Something UP Everyone

Hello, I’m writing this blog to clear something up with a reply I received. That was a reply to one of my blogs titled Good Friends Are Hard To Find.

The reply although well meaning kind of miffed me. Ladies & Gentlemen this is real life. This isn’t a TV sitcom of the show ‘Friends’ . It is very difficult to make friends & unfortunately one comes across nothing but toxic friends. I get really tired of the Pollyanna attitudes of some people when its complicated. Plain & simple I don’t like whiners people who complain about stuff & they do nothing about it PLEASE just go to see a professional to talk to. And I don’t like people who are verbally abusive & damn sure no one physically abusive. Try as I might I haven’t found good friends. I do attract toxic ones. And people you all really need to understand that there are a lot of people who have mean, evil streaks running through their bodies and they’re out there People who are SO MEAN that the late Josef Stalin would be envious. The kind who will think nothing about getting you in trouble. I mean I HAVE TO BE ON MY TOES for these cretins.

I always get bullied. I get discriminated against it has been happened for several years! So please spare me the open your heart to people because right now I need time to heal up this broken heart I mean it’s been through the shredder so much it will take awhile to heal. For those that don’t understand well then that’s too bad. Because this is the REAL WORLD 21st Century America.

Never Ending Disappointments Are Crippling me.

I am up sitting on my floor. I’m in my apartment it’s empty, lonely I’m sad. There was a woman I had house sat for for about 4 years watching her dogs. However since she was moving up the ladder of whatever job she was working for? She decides to move to Southeast with her grown Daughter. She wasn’t very nice about the whole thing she was distant & treated me no better than a potted plant (Thanks Woman for making me feel like dogmeat). I’m sure that she had some sort of going away party with her relatives of course I wasn’t invited. I tried to keep in touch. I’m very good with calling people however she couldn’t have been bothered.

Still I tried not to let it get to me & tried to get on with my life ( or lack thereof) the best I could. So one day this woman calls me up with her grown Daughter on the other line. I hear SO INFREQUENTLY from the Daughter that when she called I did not recognize her voice. Her & I really never connected on any level. It was pretty cold & distant. Her Mother comes onto the phone asking just as sweet ‘I want to ask if you could watch the dogs’ that soon changed to ‘I’m only taking 2 out of the 3 dogs’ the Mother asks me which dog should stay behind while she checks out her new home down in the Southeast. I gave her my advice. She was disrespectful of my advice & took all of her dogs.

I swear this woman flip flops like a pancake! Flaky, flaky, FLAKY. The flakey Mother who I thought was a friend then said to me that I was welcomed to come stay at her home while she was out of town.

So I get to her house and every piece of furniture is gone! It’s only the 10th of the month she doesn’t have to be out of her home until the 30th. Cable is disconnected so I have to bring my antenna. What anger me was the fact that she didn’t consider me to do a final cleaning of her home. I wanted to stay at her home because the apartment bldg. I live at was doing another inspection and I didn’t want to be at home. When you think you know someone & the person turns out to be the most evil WITCH! I guess money will do that! The affirmations of “I draw wealth to me” UGH! She also loves to worship Tony Robbins that big faced motivational speaker. ( who charges upwards of 5k for his seminars)

It ended badly! She was SO MEAN TO ME!! Daughter forgets her cell phone I’m asked to mail it back to her sending via the Uber driver. However the Woman didn’t handle her business & I simply handed over the cell phone to the Uber driver thinking that the Woman gave the DRIVER INSTRUCTIONS ON WHAT TO DO. The Bitch calls me & when she asks me if I told the driver to go to the UPS store and I said NO she yelled then HUNG UP THE PHONE! And well I hope she does awful! I will eventually get over this but it will take time. I’m not Jesus. This is why I don’t trust people. I’ve had former friends whine but this one takes the fucking cake! I deserve so much better everyone! This woman used to be my friend. Well I thought that she was my friend! Guess she never was. Nothing like finding out your friend is shallow like the day is long. And she has a spoiled Daughter. Ain’t life great everyone? ( it’s a sarcastic remark:(

Good Friends Are Hard To Find.

Aaah, Good Friends Are So Very Hard To Find!

And it’s true.   I’m at the local public library this morning.  Got up early.  I’m in a very nice suburb because for the most part I no longer feel safe going to some of the library branches.   So I decided to spend part of the day here.       

As I was taking the cab out to my favorite suburban library I passed a Econo-lodge were a former friend of mine had stayed.   She was an elderly woman who at the time she was 77 years old.    I helped her to find the Econo-lodge after she was kicked out of a Motel 6.     The brief back story about my former friend was she called me on my cell while I was at the library ( back in 2015) in a panic saying she was kicked out of her Motel.   I should explain that the elderly woman was homeless.   I told her no problem & I went to work on finding her a Motel for her since she wasn’t near a computer.   After some convincing on which area she wanted to go to I convinced her to give the Econo-lodge ( located right on Lake Washington) a try.     See I am a good friend but unfortunately I attract the wrong kind of friends.   The kind that are:

1.  Inconsiderate or thoughtless ( Usually I never get a phone call or anything)

OR

2.  Abusive

So Susie ( not her real name) stayed at the Econo-lodge.    Susie had some problems mostly mental which I chose to overlook.   She was a huge hoarder.   I say this because by the time she had stayed her six months her motel room was completely filthy stacks of paper & what have you covering every square inch of her room which wasn’t that big and her car was filled to the brim with clutter & trash she rarely cleaned it having such a filthy car often got her rejected for part time jobs picking up other people’s children after school, one parent took one look inside of Susie’s car & said ‘No Thank you’  ( Do you blame her?)     We had a falling out , because I just couldn’t take her verbal abuse any longer.  It’s now been about 4 years since I last spoke to her & I don’t even know if she is even alive cause she was a pretty old woman.   It was real embarrassing to be around her at times.   An added note everyone that wants to judge, I did try to contact Susie when a potential employer wanted to speak to her. I never did hear back from Susie. I can only do so much but I’m vulnerable & deal with tremendous pain, both emotional, psychological. At some point I have to walk away so I don’t get myself into trouble. This woman? very toxic! And I did give her ample chances.

Once we went for Chinese food out in Renton she was extremely rude to the waitress.  Then after she ate her meal she licked her plate with her tongue.   I wanted to just crawl under the table, I was so embarrassed!

When I chose to stay at the exact same Econo-lodge one year, and I forgot why I needed to stay there I think that I was in between apartments I requested a room far from Susie’s room so that there wouldn’t be any chance that I would run into her.     I think that this was in 2016.  

The front desk attendant then explained to me that Susie was no longer a guest at the Econo-lodge which was a complete relief.    But there’s more.

One of the housekeepers took a few minutes to talk to me regarding Susie.

Upon checking out Susie left the room a complete & utter disaster!  The housekeeper had said that it took a few days or one week to get the room cleaned ( I’m vague about the time but it was long).   The housekeeper confided to me that she was so glad that she had that day off.    Despite how awful Susie was to me I still think about her especially when I pass that Econo-lodge.    I have another blog on another friendship lost (Woman rose up to make a high wage so I got treated like a dog)

But that will be for another blog folks.  My hands are cramping.   Include me in your prayers please cause this life of mine is pure torture!

Some Groups Love to throw around terms Like Bigotry Unsure If They Know What They’re Talking about.

I really have a deep seeded resentment of groups who love to throw around the term bigotry + hate especially when they’re shoving their own agenda down the throats of men, women, children.  

I’m sick of the perversion the changing up of the sexes especially men to women which is a mockery to those of us women born as such.    In this Country there exists a pandemic of misogyny the likes of which I’ve never seen in all of my years.    I really worry about my safety.   I’ve had other women show hatred for me in the form of:

Disrespect

Humiliation ( for something as minor as being a couple of minutes late to an orientation)

Cutting in line in front of me then when I speak up for myself told to “shut up”.

Having screamed hateful racial slurs at the top of their lungs mind you.

So I know this subject well.   This Country is shifting towards hate of the single woman & add a color to that woman than guess what??  Our life is hell on Earth!   Now it seems to me from many articles I’ve researched that actual women seem to be public enemy number one!   Women are mocked, hated.   It is now a fashionable ‘trend’ to go to get hormones shot  up to become a woman, go out in public to throw on a dress & YOU must address the cretin as a ‘SHE’.   Really?    So now I’m told how to think when someone is destroying what God gave them?    This whole notion of being born into the wrong body is HORSESHIT!    Give me a break!   I get disgusted !   Does anyone out there know just how enormously difficult it is to be a female living out here in the World on her own?    I do.   Because all through out my adult life I’ve been told that I’m not good enough, I received discrimination from agencies that were supposed to help people get on track but when it comes to the female I may as well be dogmeat!   From the years when I was in the military TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING OF MY life having sexual remarks spew at me “I should be home barefoot & pregnant” to much worse.    To being told or implied that I’m no good & why because I’m a female!

I even receive hate from transgendered females!   I sure have!  

So listen up.   Keep your feelings to yourselves go seek out someone who will listen but I will never accept this.   I am a woman & proud of it.   If your confused there is a good old fashioned rememedy.

Just go to a hospital & talk to a shrink!   I have my own problems to deal with.   Thanks

Success in early life depends largely on HELP!

Sometime ago I wrote a blog about help & doors of opportunities opening for a young man who was homeless please take time to read it. One of the few blogs that had a great many views. I have another blog this one about a phenomenal young man graduated WestPoint in 2017. He is a Vietnamese 2nd generation immigrant raised by a single parent, came from humble beginnings. I’ve watched a few of his blogs called The Thomas Vlogs. Thomas did attend a regular college then went into the Army as an enlisted man however someone did help walk him through the process of entering WestPoint because everyone when your really young & there isn’t anyone helping you, trying to apply to get into College is extremely CONFUSING! Doesn’t matter how much potential you may have, or how smart you are without the right kind of support your just doomed & you never get out of the starting gate!

Thomas had help that came in the form of a high ranking Major who walked him through the entire process and Thomas was accepted thus beginning his career in the Army.

Thomas after graduation went on to become the United States Military Academy admissions officer of the Southeast region an extremely important position. His interview video can be seen on YouTube.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to NOT neglect our youth. Help them to reach their potential. I never had support nor help, sadly I was neglected which in itself is a CRIME! I mean I’m making goals but with just me doing all the leg work its a very slow climb! I have NO ONE really giving me any attention. I don’t much like it but I have to keep pressing forward. It does suck however and if you’ve read any of my blogs you’d know why.

I’m hoping for college entry next year with a scholarship. I have plans and I don’t know if I can do it but I have to try.

See, when someone GUIDES you can achieve! As an added note and it will not be popular with some of you out there but I have to call it as I see it. And that is that there is some definite BIAS among African American women. Young women especially. I can remember while I served in the U.S. Army I was a very bright young intelligent young woman. It seems to me now looking back all those years ago that the only thing the other soldiers saw in me was someone to have sex with or a young stupid young woman. I was there! I was verbally abused by a junior liutenanant her name was Grey. I was called stupid among all kinds of stuff. And it seemed that I was NOT wanted in the military! Definite discrimination, oh yeah. Looks of contempt, being talked down to like I was nothing more than an average dog. Let me say as a 19 year old that really did cut deep into my psyche. The discrimination & sexism really do need to stop! I didn’t have anyone that I felt that I could reach out to. I was scared so scared of the retaliation. And another reason? No one took me seriously because I was a young woman. I will share one of the many degrading things that I heard coming out of the mouths of some of the both young & older enlisted ( ignorant) male soldiers. That women belong in a kitchen barefoot & pregnant! And! I heard much WORSE! Now you tell me something, how would THAT MAKE YOU FEEL as a young woman just 2 years out of high school , trying to find out WHO YOU ARE IN THE WORLD?? I’ll tell you.

Like SHIT!

Problems abound mostly with some who hate each other of the same race!

I don’t know if this is the correct term but let me tell you what I do know. And that is there is some serious HATE going on between African Americans in this country. I’m going to address it between women. Yes it does exist.

Today I’m at the Walgreens to get a snack. I had no breakfast I’m pretty poor barely able to keep any food in the house. I go to get a bag of chips & a soda. I notice some feet away an older woman at the counter. That woman leaves, I’m thinking that she must have bought a pack of cigarettes and that’s that!

I walk up to the check out stand to wait & pay for my snack. The woman returns shortly after. She gives me the evil eye for what reason I have no idea, she then puffs out her chest like a rooster then she CUTS IN FRONT OF ME without saying a word. Next she cuts her eyes sideways! So it wasn’t really the fact this beast cut in front of me IT WAS THE WAY SHE ACTED! very disrespectful! She didn’t care. I stood my ground I spoke up & stood up for myself.

It got ugly. Voices raised we argued her disrespect of me continued she telling me to “shut up” me saying “no I will talk as much as I please” then of course she continued to talk about me to the cashier like I wasn’t there I spoke up too. Bullies especially those narcisstic types hate people like me who talk back , yeah this woman doesn’t care to just shut up. I understand why some White people get nervous but if I may say, to the Caucasion people we as African Americans get SO MUCH disrespect! Anyone remember my previous blogs of how I was screamed at and they were racial slurs of the ugliest kind I also had my life threatened I believe her words ( this was in 2010) were “I will cut you with my knife”. What a nice woman huh?

This makes me angry though that some men or women especially Black think that they can walk all over me. Sorry but that just ain’t going to happen.

Well that is not the end of the story. I left and I walked to a bus stop that was located adjacent to a busy & very public strip mall i.e. Starbucks, Panda Express, As I was walking parallel to Starbucks guess who followed me roaring down in the parking lot? her drivers door open, she is practically leaning all the way OUT of her car to yell obscenities at me. Power to the people you FREAK! Ugh! What a PSYCHO! Demonically possessed much? Sorry but when it comes to turning the other cheek? Well I have to work on that.

I have diagnosed chronic PTSD and no one has helped me either. I may not have served in a war campaign during my enlistment when I served in the U.S. Army but trust me when I tell you, what I’ve went through? Pretty damn major.

I will be looking into shopping online or hell going into the next county even. So that’s how I spent my Saturday. An added note. Please stop with the HATE! Stop judging someone BY WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE!! That is so very unfair, undignified. We all need to treat each other with equality! I’ve had this ugliness & discrimination from both Black men, Black women AND I am A BLACK WOMAN! WHETHER I HAVE LIGHT OR POLKA DOT colored skin just remember something and that is MY LIFE MATTERS DAMMIT!

Dear Mr. White Man That I Met At The Renton Starbucks

Hi, Do you remember me? You Mr Old Geiser who so callously walked up TO A TABLE I WAS SITTING AT and you aggressively snatched up a booklet

that was sitting on the table where I was sitting talking on the phone ( with the crisis center) I had two bags of groceries I placed onto the table. YOU came over then you SNATCHED a booklet with all the flourish of an academy award winning actor all the while giving me the most DIRTIEST look saying very rudely “I reserved this table”. And some of you White folks say we Blacks cause trouble? Seems like it is the other way around!

Didn’t handle it well. Obscenity city coming from my mouth. Followed by the good ole middle finger. Hope one day grandpa gets his due! I have a feeling that he will. At least I called him a Bastard.

This must be the week for mean men. May you all play in traffic.

Jesus may love you cause I sure don’t.

Dear Mr Insecure White Man In Fairwood Renton

Hi, remember me Elroy? I was walking by with 2 bags of groceries in route to send a fax. But guess what boy? The construction truck ( or whatever the heck it was ) was blocking about 3/4’s of the very public walk way. But what do you do while your bullshitting with your buddy sitting on the tailgate of the truck? You cut me a side ways glance out the corner of your eye for whatever reason! Really Opie? You stopped your jawing, I mean running that sewer of a mouth long enough to blatantly throw me some disrespect. You don’t own every damn of public sidewalk. I have the freedom ( or so I thought ) to go where ever I want okay? I realize over in Whitey town you don’t see very many people of ANY COLOR! But its about time that you learn that people do come in many colors. This isn’t the 1950’s Bubba it’s 2019. Women work, we are single and from the gene pool I’ve seen we stay single much longer than expected & that’s okay. Try to have some tolerance. This goes out to you Opie. Learn to be respectful & tolerant and if you don’t I’ll remind you.

Have a nice day & go have a beer for me.